I hate fun in AC (Atlanta City). HAPPY BIRTHDAY COUSIN!!!!!!!!!

Picture: Me and Aaron
I dont have too many pics of me at the party - because I got there super late. However, the party didnt end til about 5am - 6am
I do have some funny stories - just ask my cousin, who told me the following morning to stay off the table (YOU REALLY HAD TO BE THERE)

Sometimes - (Inspired by nothing/something/everything)

Sometimes Im over it already
By the time you come to me
By the time you say to me
You're ready

Sometimes Im feeling you again
Feeling us and then
You remind me
You confine me
You blind me

Sometimes Im thinking too much
Wait...
I always think too much
and I think you think too

Sometimes I hear the silence
and the thickness in the air
on your end
is just as heavy

Sometimes Im too forgiving
too ready to move on
too ready to wipe up the spilled milk
until its not only all over the floor
its all over the wall

Sometimes I dream about u
Sometimes I think about u
but I let it burn
cause feeling the way that I do
you are a lesson I have to learn

Sometimes I dont realize why I do the things that I do
Sometimes I love you
Sometimes Im through

Sometimes Im screaming - FUCK YOU!
in my head
Sometimes Im listening to your words
and cant believe what you just said

Sometimes I - Just - Dont - Know
But Im still who I am
If I was anything else
I would tell you so

Im sorry I have to avoid your call
Im sorry I have to put Don't Answer next to your number
Im sorry - I cant have you liking me (too much)
Im sorry...
I just cant

Im sorry you're too young
Im sorry you're too old
Im sorry this isnt right
Im sorry
good night

Im sorry this doesnt interest me
Im sorry - you wont let me be

This kind of life is getting expensive - (Luxurious Life, Gwen Stefani)

Music Video:LUXURIOUS (by Gwen Stefani)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Right and Wrong

Hello World -

Today as I wake up to rain beating my window - I am thankful that God is watering my seeds and my present habitation

I myself am dry
was dry
and now I can thrive
and be renewed by life
by everything around me
by love
by feeling love
by giving love
Wanting to go outside with no coat on
dancing in the rain
some form of insanity to make me sane again
If only it will rain again


(Other than that) - Ive been literally exhausted
Still staying in the office until 8 or 9pm
Still going home to sore muscles and an exhausted body
Having enough time to eat and fall fast asleep

Is this the life to live for a young person?
My cousin (in Atlanta) keeps motivating me to stay focus on work and leave people and things alone - for the most part some of it is a distraction. But then I think - what will I do when I get to the other side? Will I have enough time then to manage it all (business and pleasure)?
So many people (not even family) are asking me when am I going to get married. As if it was a sin for me to be single and successful.
I wish they stop talking about it -
I don't even want to think about it (right now)

I recently had a new book idea - but haven't finished the other book yet. Little pep talks to myself recently go like this:
Slow down
Breathe
Finish this first - then go on to the next thing...

Ive almost mastered "not rushing" when I feel like I'm spinning in circles, driving to fast or my heart is beginning to beat faster - I stay - its not worth it to rush it

Part of me is upset with myself mostly -
I try to treat people the way - I want to be treated (like the good book says)
But then when I don't get what I want I think - what's the point?
Maybe I'm wrong for expecting to get it from certain people
Maybe I should be thinking futuristically that I'm planting a seed for someone else to treat me the way I want to be treated...

Recently, someone said they could hear me thinking
Believe me I'm always thinking
I'm a thinker
I think of so many things
(so many things)
you wouldn't even believe it
you couldn't conceive it

I know more than what I show
maybe too afraid to be wrong
then too afraid to be right
I cant tell what is worst

Being wrong and having other people point out your mistakes
or being right and having to realize it was a mistake

So maybe if someone asks me that question right now (what are you afraid of?)
my new answer is:
I'm afraid I'm right and your wrong

Maybe I shouldnt have said all that
But I did
and that starts the problem
Opening my BIG mouth
then when I dont (open my mouth)
people wonder why I dont have nothing to say
The irony - of it all

Its Howard Homecoming Weekend
The very weekend that I somewhat despise -
The very weekend that the whole darn city parties and I happily avoid the crowds and the nonsense

I've recently made a habbit of avoiding people. Right now Im looking at a view missed calls and hoping they call back - when Im in a better mood.

So here we go... what's exciting about my day today. Nothing too much - I guess. Earlier, I was extremely PISSED at the "blonde secretary" who came over an hour and a half late today. Im looking at her right now as I type this -
Her effort to make it up to me by "doing her job" is great - I just wish I was more tolerate at times and not so easily angered

Its this rage that it coming out of me?
Perhaps
Thats making me so darn edgy

On Tuesday, my business partner got on my last nerve
My normal reaction was to keep the anger in
But this time I was sooooooooo blown
I expressed myself
I expressed it
and now I look at it and her differently

I have a song in my head - Cher, "If I could turn back time"
Wouldnt that be a useful powerful I would love to have

Maybe now I sleep too hard

Cant seem to wake up in the mornings
Im currently using my cell phone as an alarm clock and it has proven not to be effective when it comes to snoozing.
At my old home/place - my alarm clock was across the room and so every 10 minutes I would have to get up out of my warm cozy sheets to shut the darn thing off
(Since then... getting out of bed hasnt been the same)
Even when I was temporarily in between places - the movement of another person in the room, helped me to realize that I must get up and get started with my day
(And I guess that goes to show not to depend on other people)

My new ritual before going to bed includes drinking a cup of Tension Tamper tea to unwind and placing a warm/hot neck warmer where-ever is sore or tired. This is a good subsitution to my occassional glass a wine, I used to drink before bed that my mother constantly questioned me about. Dont get me wrong the wine is still available - but what's the point when Im no longer having trouble sleeping?

Just somethings Im thinking about - 2

My mother

Gosh I Love Her

I mean if I was a man - I would marry her

lol



But there are a few things - I often find myself making little wishes that I dont grow up and do like her.



And then there are regular people (and some important people) in my life that I sometimes look at they're ways and say to myself - NOT ME!

I mean I have developed enuf bad habits (see any of my coffee references) to know that I just dont want no one elses ideals. And I've said this before and Im gonna say it again - what works for you may not work for me.

For me - what works is the freedom to choose spontaneously what I may do in that day, that week, that month, that year or that moment.

For me - what works is sleeping in and going to the office late. I am more incline to stay later at work that I am to show up on time. Funny thing is that I was talking to a friend about when I was a flight attendant I woke up so early (I mean sometimes 2 hours a head of time & I lived literally around the corner from the airport) because I was so afraid of being late. There was obviously a consequence for me to go through all that and thus I know that in some situations a consequence must be implied in order for me to oblige.

For me - what works is getting out of the house at least once a day. When I lived in the Adams area I walked to get coffee. Was the coffee that good - nope! But I got out of the house, cleared my mind and probably came up with some creative ideas. I used to walk a lot (when I didnt have a car) now I drive - listen to music and waste gas.

For me - the issue is not about wasting gas.

For me - the food must be served hot, have a nice appearance or presentation and be good. I happen to bellieve that I have a good taste for food (even when i do put a little more salt that I should).

For me - having several clothing items that are black is not depressing - just easy to match.

For me - my hair must be done at all times and must look nice.

For me - love is something I do well

For me - to love someone is to love hard

For me - falling out of love is harder than falling into love

For me - taking a trip together is not about keeping up with the Jones'es - its about getting to know how a person is when Im in a different place and their all I have to depend on

For me - money will come and money will go and then again money will always be around

For me - God is an important part of life's equation

For me - There is no other person I'd rather be - than me

Just somethings Im thinking about

Why does every person (that I know) who has the Apple I-Phone (really) want me to know that they have that phone? Its like people are determined to slip it in the conversation.
For example: If the call drops (which happens often if you have Cingular/AT&T - dont believe the commerical hype). The call drops and within the explaination you may here... Its this I-Phone I got, I mean its good but they are still working out the kinks.
Shut the hell up!
Give me a break!
and go get off of your Apple High Horse

I have nothing against Apple - I just dont want to hear about how great they are all the time. You act like they created the Sun and the Moon while they were at it...
Whew... just a little vent
Now this whole story would be extremely funny if I told you I was on an Apple Laptop computer but presently I dont have one (Hint... Hint)

Last night the DJ saved my life

I guess in this case you can't really put a price on a memory or experience and for that - the person who came up with the MasterCard marketing tactic - is truly priceless (in my book)

Although I was uncertain (I mean down to the very second) - I went to the reunion and enjoyed myself

However, I am learning to listen to myself more - which Im learning I have a pretty good intution of things and people

Most of the people (who showed up) and Im talking out of a class of 500-600 about 100 folks showed up (if that many) and it was a flash back alright

All the girls that hated me because I was skinny/slim and cute - were quickly reminded that I hadnt changed one bit
And so, they thought it was necessary for them to guard their husbands and/or significant others
when all I was really trying to do is mingle (LOL)
and it really wasnt that serious
(Im laughing because Im thinking of the Keyshia Cole and Missy Elliot song - I dont want your man...)

There were several times throughout the night that I decided to leave (before the event was over) but as the song says "Last night the DJ saved my life" and he really did.
I jokingly told my friend Bah - that I had made 3 booty calls (a name of a dance and song) by 10pm - so I was tired

It was quite fun being out and I am one of those people who genuinely likes to dance

BUT.... I could feel the hate and for that reason - I'll say - 10 years wasnt enough time

Will I go to another reunion - Probably NOT
So for that - I guess it was worth $60 bucks (kinda)

Change of Pace

Music Video:HEAVEN HELP (by Lenny Kravitz)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

Life Lessons and Rules

Life's Lessons and Rules:
Earlier today - I over heard myself tell a friend my age (28) and it suddenly dawned on me that I am indeed getting older
It actually was someone of a shock to me as I am so use to people thinking that I am younger or being the youngest individual in the group

Most of my clients think that I've just graduated from high school or college if I'm lucky
I don't have any children which seems to make you older or wiser in someone elses eyes
Then I'm not married - which some people think is another sign of maturity- being able to commit to something and/or someone

I recall my old boss saying to me "I wish you were married or had children because then I would feel you would "need this job" and stay"

Yes - she (I had a female boss) actually said this to me
and I was dumbfounded

What the heck?

I presently think that its potentially MORE difficult taking care of yourself - especially when society set up to help people who have families

Needless to say - this has been happening to me my whole life
I am the youngest of SEVEN siblings and all of them - are opinionated and would love to tell me what to do

So, I think this has put me on the defense when I run into others who may feel prone to instruct me in areas that they assume I need help in
I am presently not denying any help
Just evaluating the fact that most people think that I'm not smart enough to make a "mature" decision on my own
So this where I think (and I mean think hard)
where did I go wrong
what did I say or NOT say to make YOU think that
I know
its my fault
I didn't give you all the details
and honestly - I have a tendency to do this a lot

My own secret trust issues - that makes me hold information inside of me - until I can come up with an ideal solution

I see people make all kind of dumb decisions daily
and yet
because I'm not married
because I don't have children
because people don't see the gray hair - that has taken shape in the form of an eye lash
am I NOT where I should be
Suddenly - I'm a young (dumb) blonde
hmmm....

I tell you - I have never felt or heard the clock ticking as I did today
Suddenly, I am rushing to buy a house
Suddenly, I am rushing to find a soul mate
Suddenly, I am rushing to have children and have my body go through all kinds of changes
Suddenly, I am rushing to die (retirement fun, insurance policy, 401k)
I'm rushing
Running a freggin marathon
but I'm not living
I'm just working hard
and I'm not enjoying a damn thing about my life right now

I read a book once called Black Girl in Paris
perfect title for me
perfect book for me
(Black girl moves to Paris to pursue a writing career - blah, blah blah- see what I mean)

In the book, the author made several profound statements that I sometimes quote (depending on the situation):

A bomb will kill U instantly - Love will make U wish you were dead
(don't know why - but I connected with that statement)

Anyhow - another thing she said was:
"Make rules and break them"

Huh?

What sense does that make?
Actually take out the time to come up with a standard, rule, or condition and then arbitrary break it!
Funny thing about this - is that I USED to think this was pretty cool

Now, I'm starting to think in my old age (LOL)
this is not going work well

Because I happen to know people who live by codes, rules and standards that they don't break for no body
Not even their own momma
and so -
I'm very tempted to try it
a different way
(definition of insanity: doing the same thing and expect different results)

Develop some rules
somethings that I will not do
so far here are 5 rules I've come up with (to start):

I will not date a person for more than 2 years - if it isn't going anywhere by the 2 year mark - its not going to go anywhere and I'm simply spinning my wheels

I will compromise in certain areas - but I will not change: the way I think or who I am

I will accept your first answer as your truest answer

I will not be afraid to say no or hurt your feelings

I will pray about things I don't understand and let go and let God

Nothing more to say

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I keep finding myself at the CD - DEPOT!
Running across CD's that are aparently now - "out of print"
Getting my grove onto
Lucy Pearl
Phyllis Hyman
Alanis Morrisette
Nina Simone
Tori Amos
Lenny Kravitz
Kelis
Madonna

I mean.. talk about a heck of a Music Library
And if you've seen "I Think I Love My WIfe" - I dont exactly have "nigga ears"

But anyways...

Its Thursday
I woke up on the stuffy and congested side of the bed this morning
I woke up trying to fight my crave for coffee
not understanding why after I brought all this "healthy" herbal and white tea
Why I cant seem to drink it
I even brought honey

I guess some things which are good for you - or not so good
you cant seem to let go
its like something has to happen for you to - kick the habit

Im starting to think that Im a clinger
and not an initial clinger
but I gradually become use to somethings in my environment and become unsettled when things dont remain constant

I wonder if its okay - being this honest about myself
knowing that someone - anyone can read this and classify me, judge me and maybe decide to stay away from me

Im basically starting to live by the model -
"I never said I was perfect"
Some of my favorite movies, shows and even books - deplict this attitude
Hence... Bridget Jones Diary
& My favorite part is when he told her... I dont like all these things about you - but at the same time - I love you for you are

AND... I think I'll end this here
(nothing more to say)

If I really was blogging
If I really was expressing
If I really was telling it
Like it is

I wouldn't be afraid
To mention Names

I wouldn't be afraid
To be quoted

I wouldn't be afraid
To embarrass
or Be Embarrassed

But what was confusing
what was mis-understood
what was contradicted
or
hypothetically predicted

wouldn't be explained
words couldn't be contained

Cuz If I was really blogging
I would be more free
to speak my (true) thoughts

Is it really worth $60 bucks

Still trying to figure out if Im going to the Class Reunion - which Im finding out is this Saturday. Which means I need to pay my fee/dues by tomorrow.
Even Na' called me tonight encouraging me to go
Aparently, most of my friends think I've become some sort of anti-social house mouse. Contrary to what they believe - Im in the office way more than Im in the house so there...

Running into old friends:
What Im afraid of is that no one is going to be there and I cant afford to be there when "no one" is going to show up. Im sorry but I must maintain my cool card - I happened to be a popular and well sought out female in my day and to give up my title so soon would be a disgrace to my children (LOL)

Im considering what it would be like to see some people?
What would we talk about?
Would it be the typical conversation or set of questions"
Kids? - No Kids
Married? Divorced? Single? In a relationship?
House? No House?
Degree? Degrees?

Its so standard - Im not sure if Im really interested
I mean - Im really thinking of who I would Love to see?

In the process, I got back in contact with a old friend/class mate of mines -
other than that -
Is it really worth $60 bucks

What to do? What to say (and these are the questions I often ask myself)

I was supposed to leave here hours ago - but here I am about to type a post

What to say and what to do?
The two most common questions asked by me - to me, just about everyday!

I looked up some information on Costa Rica last night (was considering a weekend travel venture) only to find out via Bobby that its the rainy season - Dang! no wonder why it was so darn cheap

Then we started to talk about London vs. Ireland. I just don't wanna spend a lot of money on entertainment while I'm away from America - and it seems like the only place you can do that right now is Dominica Republic.

Any self respecting Leo - hates to go anywhere where everyone else has been or is talking about going. We must on all occasions do the complete opposite or set the trend

Well I tried... but was not very successful
This morning I tried to wake up and start a coffee fast (30-days with out coffee) for the month of October
but just like R. Kelly's song Bump & Grind
My mind is telling me no - but my body says yes
So I said yes and excepted that "sometimes" your body - knows what it needs
I must control my flesh and/or have more strength to resist that "coffee demon" but he or she has my number and dials it around 6:45am every morning
I keep answering it
should I get caller ID
then again
does it really work
when you are trying to avoid a call
I used to change the person's number to (DON'T ANSWER) even that doesn't work if there is only 1 don't answer in your phone

so what am I supposed to do
What do I say
and these are the questions I often ask myself

Its been 10 Years.... Dang!

Questions I had to answer for my Class Reunion coming up - I think in a week or two:

1.What did you do immediately following high school? (College, employment, etc.) I went to school. I started out (meaning Freshman year) at Virginia State University and end up/finished at American University. Started out a Mass Comunications/English & Print Journalism Major (in both schools) ended up with a International Business/International Studies degree

2. What is your current occupation? Self-employed, Business Owner - Home Health Care for Medically Fragile Children

3. What was your most unique occupation or situation since you graduated? I was a flight attendant for a year and half. Free travel, flexible schedule and interesting experiences

4. How do you spend your free time or what are your hobbies? Writing, Reading, Shopping and Traveling

5. What is the best or most fun experience you have had since High School? Traveling back and forth to Paris - I went there twice before I even became a flight attendant - I just love that city

6. What is your favorite High School Memory?
The whole Senior Year was fun, interesting and something to remember. I think our class really took notes from other classes before us on what and what not to do. I think it also helped that most of us really knew each other pre-high school