Thursday, June 09, 2005

Dear God: What am I doing right?

Dear God: What am I doing right?
This is a constant prayer of mines recently because it seems there are sooooooo many things to do wrong - so I wanna know....
What am I - What can I do right?

Ok.... Yesterday - I was laughing at my cousin because he has two female dogs - named Nalah & Beauty - however, instead of calling the dogs "by their dog-given names" he calls them - "Bitches"
(note I told him he was wrong - because they werent pregnant - or in heat)
So... I'm on the phone with him & he's yelling -
"Yall - bitches better shit!!!!!!
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I say - cousin - you call the dogs - Bitches soooooo much - they dont even know their names are Nalah & Beauty - he tried calling them by their names and they did absolutely nothing -
ok so getting to my point- I ended up cursing a few more times in this conversation - making me think - "is this something I should be repenting for?"
You see - I didnt grow up in a house hearing curse words from my mom - sister's or brothers -
my mom - barely yells now
she prays a lot & pratically beat us with the bible (technically speaking)
so - I have certain convictions that someone else doesnt have - when it comes to the sins I commit and the things I believe.
I honestly dont feel like God wants to hear me say - "Please forgive me for saying the word Bitch 5 times" - but Im sure he wants me to feel sorry
But this is my obession & Im sure all of us have some

(incomplete - like me)

Lacking Patience

I wrote this blog on 6-7-05 (on a piece of paper) funny - I am not around a computer as much -

On thing that I must constantly work on is: avoiding impulsiveness and substaining eagerness (which are somewhat the same) -
Yesterday, as I painted my nails (which is not one of my favorite tasks - because I would rather pay someone to do it for me)...
I thought I waited long enough to allow my nails the proper drying time - but in a rush to go to my next project (a clear sign of my A.D.D. working) - I discover that after 10 minutes of fan drying my nails - they still werent ready -
its bad enough that you have to repeat this process every few days because of chipping - but the fact that it almost always gets slightly messed up in the process of drying - leads me to think that Im doing something wrong & maybe I need to slow down and evaluate why am I rushing in the first place?
This situation caused me to look deeper into my life - because without careful planning - different situations can be rushed, not completed fully - only leading me to take more time fixing the problem...
With careful planning - maybe I should have set aside an hour to paint and manicure my nails (allowing them time to completely dry - also, allowing time for mistakes)
I messed up - because I painted my nails fast & I expected a fast satisfying result...
So the moral of this story is - "give it time"
Make the right decision - instead of rushing...
p.s. We dont have time for mistakes...

Monday, June 06, 2005

If it hurts me to help you - I wont do it!

What do I want to talk about....? Funny - when im on the plane - Im taking papertowels to jot down possible ideas for blogs ---
ok...
Not too long ago - I had a friend - I dont think I did everything I was suppose to do in that relationship - I dont think I was true to the purpose I was suppose to forfill in that realtionship - I dont think I was true to me - at times... but thats what I do - I try to please the other person - because I feel they need it more than me...
I wanted to make up for the last person that hurt them
I wanted to show them its ok... to trust
I think I messed this up - just because - at times - I wasnt being realistic...
It hurt me sometimes - to give - knowing that I wasnt on the top of "their" list
It hurt me sometimes - love - knowing that - they couldnt and maybe didnt want to love me the way I wanted to love them...
So this friend - I am now upset with them - well actually - I was probably really upset with them for a day & a half & after that - Im over it... but I get into this mood where I have nothing to say... (Im Numb)...
So anyhow I just wanted to say that - we should always be true to ourselves...
"as I was told" - by some wise ole man -LOL!
if it hurts me - to help you - I wont do it....!!!!
Im hurt - but Im actually loving the pain now - its like turbulence - you start to get use to it & on a rainy day - you expect it to come...

Thursday, June 02, 2005

I often ask GOD - what am I doing right?

(i wrote these words - for everyone - that struggles in their youth.... hahahaha - those arent my words - but Lauren's - how clever - then how sad that she's struggling right now - struggling & trying to find herself - Funny - back then - I was under the impression that she had found herself & was incomplete awh of her....)

Ive read several inspiritional , self-help and spiritual books.
In fact, I could write a few myself
I keep a tablet of quotes, bible verses, affirmations and prayers - that I have come across in my reading that fits me perfectly...
I use to keep post-its around the house - on doors - on my mirror - quotes - I wanted to be encouraged by daily...
I believe that developing a positive state of mind - takes a lot of work...
I believe that Im just trying anything - hoping that it will work.

I have an initial "hit the ceiling" reaction to negativity -
Truth is that - this reaction is never the real reaction I feel on the inside & most people will probably never see the real response I have to those situations.

What I use to want & what some people crave is life - Happily Ever After - I would encourage you not to read your children these books -
The earth is not full of fairy god-mothers - but it is full of good & evil
But at different times of your life - you can be on either side of that scenario

If you read these words every day for a year:
"the prize is always before and never behind you"
Would that stop you from looking back?
Would that take away the fear of trying something new?

I often find myself - asking GOD - what am I doing right - all these things you can possibly do wrong - how did you do it so... perfectly
In every way - we struggle to be perfect'
The perfect lover, perfect skin, ideal employee -
these are all added stresses...
however, Im suppose to keep my eye on the prize - when I just realized I was in competition with other people...

ok... got off track - bring it back to closure - I must say - Im happy... Not because Im rich, famous, 5 foot 8 and wanted by every man...
But Im happy, cause Im me...
Poor (compared to social standards) , clumsy, witty, making mistakes, learning from my mistakes, attractive (to the people Im suppose to be attractive to), party girl, risk taker, wine & martini drinker, sensitive, a good friend, a bad friend at times, vulnerable, apologetic, faithful, hopeful (and sometimes hopeless), and Im not finished adding on to that list...

How High...? Some where above 10,000 feet

(I wrote this blog on the plane - now as I publish this blog- my setting is as follows: computer, desk, window, glass of white cabernet savingon - very Carrie Bradshaw)

Ok.... Thats it - Im getting a bird!
Today 5-31-05 - while up in the air approximately above 10,000 or 20,000 feet starring out the window - at the clouds. Starring at the view of the sky - above the clouds & the sun - (my favorite star)
I decided I wanted to be free - like a bird.

There is a saying in the airline industry - "flight attendants notice everything"
mainly I notice the amount of women with rocks on their Left ring finger, the amount of gay men - who choose this line of work, people who try to bring bags that are way..... too big on the aircraft - because they are so afraid the airline is goiing to lose their stuff - and then when I have nothing else to play attention to - not even the person who keeps getting up to use the bathroom or the guy that has to come in my area to strength his legs - I notice the Sky...
Ive seen a thunderstorm, a rainbow, a full moon, sunrise & sunset - and the most beautiful clear blue sky...

So as much as I complain about being a flight attendant (again) - I am happy to be away...
Pause - I just had to do a walk through the cabine & noticed a lady with her seatbelt off - the seat belt sign is on & we're about to land... for goodness sake lady!
Continue - I like going to work even though they treat me like SHIT...
Pause - I said shit - noticed I didnt say shikaka (like I use to say before) because eventhough I am not actually saying the word - I meant SHIT & if GOD know my heart - he knows - I meant to say SHIT - Trying not to say the word only fools me into believing that I am getting away with something -
Continue - All my passengers are ready - Im ready for them to get off - be on their way so that I can get home - But wait a minute (no pause here) - what am I rushing home for???
If I left it - it will be waiting for me when I return
Wow... enlightenment at 20,000 feet

p.s. I finished this at 6:42 pm - made it home & I had noting to do & no one to go home to...