OFFICALLY - Out of my control

Just a little nervous (about buying a house)

There are so many people out here - struggling to keep their home

AND Im like who do I think I am...

Its interesting that my Bishop spoke about this earlier this year

He said that God raises up those who are blessed in the time of famine

Who me

(wow - why me)

I could get stuck on those questions - but its best for me to just accept that GOD has called me to do something GREAT (at a young age)

and I might not always understand it

I might be scared to do it

But now - ITS OFFICALLY OUT OF MY CONTROL

GOD has taken over - and I wouldnt have it any other way

Everything is unconscious
Its - What our mind picks up
although we do not stare
at the painting in the corner of the room
of the girl with the flower in her hair

Everything is exciting
when you add an exclamation point at the end
but it doesn't quite work that way
when you are saying...
THIS IS THE END!

Ive been sleeping - time to wake up

Music Video:
href="http://216.180.244.187/videos/b/beyonce/diva.html" target="_blank">Diva by (Beyonce)

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I DONT LIKE IT!
and I want you to know that I do not like to be ignored (screaming at the top of my lungs).

Im Packing

How interesting that you would come around
Looking for me - when I was not ready to be found
Asking me where I been
Like we some kind of kin -
Folk
Its raining today
So much I think Im gonna be
soaked
Listening to Nina (Simone) - I think Im feeling the blues
or its the kind of day
you think of getting bad news
I hope not
I want good
But sometimes
I get misunderstood
So I pray
for clarity
and you say
You scared of me

in this body
I stand less than 6 feet tall
I stand
without GOD
I would be nothing at all

Did he bring me here to speak to you?

It doesnt matter
Im almost through...

How do I feel - when I feel what Im feeling

Its been so long
May be too long...
in between thoughts and breaths
I need more days
more hours
more minutes
to take more steps

more than that - I aint even wearin the right shoes
I wasnt supposed to be here
climbing mountains
or filling my mind with clues

I hate more than anything
more than you
not knowing what to say

I hate more than anything
writing words
saying words
that people take in their own way

take words that I form
and dont let them loose their shape

take words that I form
and dont let them arrive too late

(incomplete)

So Far

So far...

So far Ive been eating terrible this week:
tonight its hot pockets, last night fried chicken & I managed to eat some McDondalds a couple of days before that

So far Im behind on my reading -
Every time I get home (close to 10pm) Im so tired - my intentions are good but my actions are weak

So far Im thinking I no longer like Cran-Raspberry as much as I like Cran-Grape

So far Im wondering if I will be able to catch up with old friends the way I want to and stop giving them excuses (so far, I have obligated myself to hang out with girlfriends next week and I still having managed to have lunch with Sandy)

So far its Tuesday and its still 3 more days left in this work week

First thing...

So many things to do - only have 3 more hours left in this day
Gotta wake up tomorrow and do it all over again

First thing I do:

First thing I do when I come in from a long day of work (after greeting my nieces, sister & brother-n-law). I turn on my heated mattress pad. I like to feel warm (just about all the time). I like the idea that lions lay in the sun and as a Leo (Lionness) myself - I have found it quite bliss to just let some sun rays - show me how clever God was when he created them.

(By the way - do not judge me for mentioning my astrological sign and God in the same paragraph - its not "that" deep over here - smile)

First thing I do when I get out the shower - I grab my towel - I do not dry off - but rather I walk to my bed and sit down to dry... Yep, I pretty much walk from the bathroom soak & wet. Only one had a problem with it

First thing I do when I wake up - Say the Lord's Prayer and think about where my first cup of coffee is coming from (chik-fil-a, my sister made it, or will I have to wait until I reach work, rarely to I hit the Starbucks traffic)

First thing I do when I get in the office - Peek at what everyone is doing (they are great fakers), get a cup of coffee (it will either be my first or my next half a cup) & check my emails

First thing I do when I see a cute guy - try NOT to look at him - these eyes are dangerous - lol

First thing I do when I walk into a rool - concentrate on not falling and then see who is looking at me and at what part of my anatomy

Im too tired to finish this - but I think I may have started something

5

First Thought:
Valentine's Day is tomorrow -
Do I try to go and pick up last minute gifts
or do I access my creative side and do something to knock their socks off?
hmmm...

Second Thought:
Im not the one to be made a whole lot of promises
Which is exactly why I no longer like to ask people to do things for me or to help me do something
or the other hand I like surprises
It prevents me from being disappointed if I know that you planned to help me out or do something for me/with and I wasnt even expecting it...

Third Thought:
Discipline
How do you break a bad habbit
I know the bible says to "flee temptation"
I guess this is a part of growing up
having more self-control

Forth Thought:
Hmmm... My mom used to say to me - obedience is better than sacrifice
I thought I had to sacrifice someone special to me last week
I thought that in one sense gotten out of making a decision even though Ive seemed to prolong it by not addressing the issue (there's a purple elephant in the room drinking coffee - lol)

Last Thought:
If I knew then - What I know now
Would I still make the same decision?
I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how I dont reveal the "real me" more. Seems as if I have convinced myself that the masses wont be able to understand this girl and so subpress - who she is, what she is - until there she is doing something "we" didnt know she would or could do
It is my own fault
It is on me
It is a problem I created
Thus, its a problem only I can solve
Just to think - I hated math in school

God Knows What's Best...

There are things I need to do
But Im scared

There are people that I need to talk to
But I dont speak

There are people who are hanging around my life
But they dont contribute

There are places I need to go
But I havent brought a ticket

There is something going on
But Im not sure what it is...

Only God Knows

Drinking Tea...

Yes Im fresh off of coffee and like Sade said/sung I...
"Feel No Pain"

Just thinking of how you can be so dependent on a substance. Things that make you go hmmm... (Like Arensio Hall)

Not too much to say
Still practicing silence
Still practicing listening
to whatever God has to say

He speaks to me
and sometimes my thoughts get in the way

Is that me I ask
or Him
am I suppose to do this
Do you really want me to stop taling to him

Go Left
cause you always go right

get some sleep
stop staying up all night

Its not supposed to be complicated
You already knew the answer before you asked a thousand questions
You already did your homework
Before you signed up for this lesson

What you think you dont know
You knew
Just remember
be true -
only to YOU

Stop second guessing
It is what it is

Everything is everything
its not a pop quiz

You dont have to explain yourself
or let others get into your mind
Dont say your sorry
Dont press rewind

Except the highest bidder
Your worth the price
Your something nice
to bring around
& that is why
they want you around

Read between the lines
and bring it all together
You managed to do it all
even with the frigid weather

you managed to prove them wrong
because they were planning your demise
funny now
you seem so confident
funny now
you can see pass the lies
you can
wipe water from your eyes
and make it float
beneathe you

Something about that girl
makes others
seek you

And when they come
And when HE comes
in the name of the father & the son
he will be the one

until then
Silence...

Flaws & All

Music Video:FLAWS & ALL (by Beyonce)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

Miss Me?

What am I doing with all this stuff on my mind

Hey its 10:46pm and Im already ready for B.E.D.
What in the world is going on when Im ready for bed and not really thinking of anything else but digging my body deep under the covers...

After diggin my body in the covers I sure do wish I had a warm body laying next to me (well not just any warm body) and I guess in time, I'll get what I want.
Funny - Lauryn Hill said in one of her songs (When It Hurts So Bad)
"What you want might make you cry - What you need might pass you by, IF YOU DONT CATCH IT!
Hey but those arent my words yall
But sure enough some words to live by

I'd like to think because I am a writer (in a sort) that I live by powerful words. Funny some people know me to be someone who is always quoting a powerful or uplifting phrase. I got to put those theories to use by saying it out loud to myself & sometimes to others

I ate too much lasgna tonight and now Im really feelin it - I can barely turn over because Im sooo stuff

& Thus - Im turning over to go to sleep

Too tired to finish this
Cuz I've been out all day
Cuz Ive been on the internet
blowing time away

Cuz I just brought a new IPod and Im somewhat addicted
or becuz out of all the things i could be doing with my time
I choose what is less restricted

I miss talking to you
& now
I miss spending time with you
Do You Miss Me?

If you dont plan - Plan to fail

Good Morning
The day before a new year & Im soooooo exicted. I dont think Ive ever been this excited about going into a new year or at least not in a long time. (feels like the day before the first day of school)

Right now I have a couple of things that I need to take care of to make going into 2008 smooth, peaceful and with target results.

Goals for the year: (Personal)
Travel to 3 different countries this year (Costa Rica just has to be one of them)
Buy my house by March
Pay off my car and/or student loans
Go visit my cousin Marcus for his birthday in February (Georgia)
Go visit my grandma for her birthday in February (North Carolina)
Go visit my cousin Nichelle in B'ham
Go visit Maya & Dalila in NYC
Spend more designated time with my mom
Spend more time with Savion & Sandra
Ryane's graduation (important event)
Take at least one bible school class at my church
Kiera's graduation and 18th birthday (important event)
Recover all my lost property from my house fire (by February)
Get engaged and/or married (to a serious propect)
Buy more jewlery to fill my jewlery box up with
Spend less money (take my lunch &/or stick to my budget)
Come up with and follow a monthly budget
Save $10,000
Finish all dental work in my mouth
Take my vitamins and stay in a constant optimal state of health
Read all the books I started:
Spider Spin Me a Web
Why Men Marry Bitches
Telling Lies for Fun & Profit
A Confederacy of Dunces
The Lexus and the Olive Tree
The 48 Laws of Power
(all of which Ive started and have yet to finish)
Cut back on some of my pampering expenses (may have to start doing my own nails again)
Do Yoga at least twice a week
Drink 6-10 glasses of water daily
Be more productive with my time
Learn to say no - Actually say no and then walk away (I know its so Oprah & Doctor Phil)
Go to morning prayer at least twice a week
And lastly - think before I speak and speak more slowly when answering questions