Closer

I just found out that my grandfather (grand-dad) passed today... and Im kinda bummed about it. I mean I really wasnt close to my grand-dad (on my father's side) and I really wasnt close to my grand-dad (on my mother's side). Its like being born the baby of the family (of 7) I missed out on some good bonding time. I dont have the same recollections as my older brothers and sisters who remember - when family lived with "us" while they were sick or while mom was working another job. Yes, I am truly bummed by the fact that I dont have a lot (enough) positive male role models in my life that have shaped me into the young lady that I am today. (& I know my mom is somewhere saying that she was both mother and father - but God did not create one in the same, but two)

Im bummed... because from what I remember of my grandfather Jesse was that we couldnt hold a long conversation because we just didnt have enough to talk about... He was a scholar so asking me about school was expected and you can only elaborate about classes for 5-10 minutes. Other than that - we stared into the air, into the television - listening to silence or listening to heavy breaths being taken...

This sucks -
no tears to form
because no memories were formed
and I wish we were closer

like how you would read in stories
of a granddaughter burring her face into her strong grandfather's chest
strong and gentle
with words of wisdom
and lots of stories
of how lucky we are
to be born
in the latter part of the century
and now - I can only wonder
what it would have meant to be
closer