I Love U Becuz U Take Me The Way That I Am

OFFICALLY - Out of my control

2009-04-25T19:46:00.002-05:00

Just a little nervous (about buying a house)

There are so many people out here - struggling to keep their home

AND Im like who do I think I am...

Its interesting that my Bishop spoke about this earlier this year

He said that God raises up those who are blessed in the time of famine

Who me

(wow - why me)

I could get stuck on those questions - but its best for me to just accept that GOD has called me to do something GREAT (at a young age)

and I might not always understand it

I might be scared to do it

But now - ITS OFFICALLY OUT OF MY CONTROL

GOD has taken over - and I wouldnt have it any other way

2009-04-25T19:41:00.002-05:00

Everything is unconscious
Its - What our mind picks up
although we do not stare
at the painting in the corner of the room
of the girl with the flower in her hair

Everything is exciting
when you add an exclamation point at the end
but it doesn't quite work that way
when you are saying...
THIS IS THE END!

Ive been sleeping - time to wake up

2009-04-20T21:57:00.001-05:00

Music Video:
href="http://216.180.244.187/videos/b/beyonce/diva.html" target="_blank">Diva by (Beyonce)

Music Video Code by Video Code Zone

2009-04-20T21:52:00.001-05:00

I DONT LIKE IT!
and I want you to know that I do not like to be ignored (screaming at the top of my lungs).

Im Packing

2009-04-20T07:56:00.003-05:00

How interesting that you would come around
Looking for me - when I was not ready to be found
Asking me where I been
Like we some kind of kin -
Folk
Its raining today
So much I think Im gonna be
soaked
Listening to Nina (Simone) - I think Im feeling the blues
or its the kind of day
you think of getting bad news
I hope not
I want good
But sometimes
I get misunderstood
So I pray
for clarity
and you say
You scared of me

in this body
I stand less than 6 feet tall
I stand
without GOD
I would be nothing at all

Did he bring me here to speak to you?

It doesnt matter
Im almost through...

2008-07-22T00:11:00.002-05:00

How do I feel - when I feel what Im feeling

Its been so long
May be too long...
in between thoughts and breaths
I need more days
more hours
more minutes
to take more steps

more than that - I aint even wearin the right shoes
I wasnt supposed to be here
climbing mountains
or filling my mind with clues

I hate more than anything
more than you
not knowing what to say

I hate more than anything
writing words
saying words
that people take in their own way

take words that I form
and dont let them loose their shape

take words that I form
and dont let them arrive too late

(incomplete)

So Far

2008-02-26T22:20:00.003-05:00

So far...

So far Ive been eating terrible this week:
tonight its hot pockets, last night fried chicken & I managed to eat some McDondalds a couple of days before that

So far Im behind on my reading -
Every time I get home (close to 10pm) Im so tired - my intentions are good but my actions are weak

So far Im thinking I no longer like Cran-Raspberry as much as I like Cran-Grape

So far Im wondering if I will be able to catch up with old friends the way I want to and stop giving them excuses (so far, I have obligated myself to hang out with girlfriends next week and I still having managed to have lunch with Sandy)

So far its Tuesday and its still 3 more days left in this work week

First thing...

2008-02-24T21:17:00.002-05:00

So many things to do - only have 3 more hours left in this day
Gotta wake up tomorrow and do it all over again

First thing I do:

First thing I do when I come in from a long day of work (after greeting my nieces, sister & brother-n-law). I turn on my heated mattress pad. I like to feel warm (just about all the time). I like the idea that lions lay in the sun and as a Leo (Lionness) myself - I have found it quite bliss to just let some sun rays - show me how clever God was when he created them.

(By the way - do not judge me for mentioning my astrological sign and God in the same paragraph - its not "that" deep over here - smile)

First thing I do when I get out the shower - I grab my towel - I do not dry off - but rather I walk to my bed and sit down to dry... Yep, I pretty much walk from the bathroom soak & wet. Only one had a problem with it

First thing I do when I wake up - Say the Lord's Prayer and think about where my first cup of coffee is coming from (chik-fil-a, my sister made it, or will I have to wait until I reach work, rarely to I hit the Starbucks traffic)

First thing I do when I get in the office - Peek at what everyone is doing (they are great fakers), get a cup of coffee (it will either be my first or my next half a cup) & check my emails

First thing I do when I see a cute guy - try NOT to look at him - these eyes are dangerous - lol

First thing I do when I walk into a rool - concentrate on not falling and then see who is looking at me and at what part of my anatomy

Im too tired to finish this - but I think I may have started something

5

2008-02-13T00:48:00.004-05:00

First Thought:
Valentine's Day is tomorrow -
Do I try to go and pick up last minute gifts
or do I access my creative side and do something to knock their socks off?
hmmm...

Second Thought:
Im not the one to be made a whole lot of promises
Which is exactly why I no longer like to ask people to do things for me or to help me do something
or the other hand I like surprises
It prevents me from being disappointed if I know that you planned to help me out or do something for me/with and I wasnt even expecting it...

Third Thought:
Discipline
How do you break a bad habbit
I know the bible says to "flee temptation"
I guess this is a part of growing up
having more self-control

Forth Thought:
Hmmm... My mom used to say to me - obedience is better than sacrifice
I thought I had to sacrifice someone special to me last week
I thought that in one sense gotten out of making a decision even though Ive seemed to prolong it by not addressing the issue (there's a purple elephant in the room drinking coffee - lol)

Last Thought:
If I knew then - What I know now
Would I still make the same decision?
I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about how I dont reveal the "real me" more. Seems as if I have convinced myself that the masses wont be able to understand this girl and so subpress - who she is, what she is - until there she is doing something "we" didnt know she would or could do
It is my own fault
It is on me
It is a problem I created
Thus, its a problem only I can solve
Just to think - I hated math in school

2008-02-05T14:23:00.000-05:00

God Knows What's Best...

There are things I need to do
But Im scared

There are people that I need to talk to
But I dont speak

There are people who are hanging around my life
But they dont contribute

There are places I need to go
But I havent brought a ticket

There is something going on
But Im not sure what it is...

Only God Knows

Drinking Tea...

2008-02-01T14:02:00.000-05:00

Yes Im fresh off of coffee and like Sade said/sung I...
"Feel No Pain"

Just thinking of how you can be so dependent on a substance. Things that make you go hmmm... (Like Arensio Hall)

Not too much to say
Still practicing silence
Still practicing listening
to whatever God has to say

He speaks to me
and sometimes my thoughts get in the way

Is that me I ask
or Him
am I suppose to do this
Do you really want me to stop taling to him

Go Left
cause you always go right

get some sleep
stop staying up all night

Its not supposed to be complicated
You already knew the answer before you asked a thousand questions
You already did your homework
Before you signed up for this lesson

What you think you dont know
You knew
Just remember
be true -
only to YOU

Stop second guessing
It is what it is

Everything is everything
its not a pop quiz

You dont have to explain yourself
or let others get into your mind
Dont say your sorry
Dont press rewind

Except the highest bidder
Your worth the price
Your something nice
to bring around
& that is why
they want you around

Read between the lines
and bring it all together
You managed to do it all
even with the frigid weather

you managed to prove them wrong
because they were planning your demise
funny now
you seem so confident
funny now
you can see pass the lies
you can
wipe water from your eyes
and make it float
beneathe you

Something about that girl
makes others
seek you

And when they come
And when HE comes
in the name of the father & the son
he will be the one

until then
Silence...

Flaws & All

2008-02-01T13:57:00.001-05:00

Music Video:FLAWS & ALL (by Beyonce)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

Miss Me?

2008-01-31T22:44:00.000-05:00

What am I doing with all this stuff on my mind

Hey its 10:46pm and Im already ready for B.E.D.
What in the world is going on when Im ready for bed and not really thinking of anything else but digging my body deep under the covers...

After diggin my body in the covers I sure do wish I had a warm body laying next to me (well not just any warm body) and I guess in time, I'll get what I want.
Funny - Lauryn Hill said in one of her songs (When It Hurts So Bad)
"What you want might make you cry - What you need might pass you by, IF YOU DONT CATCH IT!
Hey but those arent my words yall
But sure enough some words to live by

I'd like to think because I am a writer (in a sort) that I live by powerful words. Funny some people know me to be someone who is always quoting a powerful or uplifting phrase. I got to put those theories to use by saying it out loud to myself & sometimes to others

I ate too much lasgna tonight and now Im really feelin it - I can barely turn over because Im sooo stuff

& Thus - Im turning over to go to sleep

Too tired to finish this
Cuz I've been out all day
Cuz Ive been on the internet
blowing time away

Cuz I just brought a new IPod and Im somewhat addicted
or becuz out of all the things i could be doing with my time
I choose what is less restricted

I miss talking to you
& now
I miss spending time with you
Do You Miss Me?

If you dont plan - Plan to fail

2007-12-31T09:01:00.000-05:00

Good Morning
The day before a new year & Im soooooo exicted. I dont think Ive ever been this excited about going into a new year or at least not in a long time. (feels like the day before the first day of school)

Right now I have a couple of things that I need to take care of to make going into 2008 smooth, peaceful and with target results.

Goals for the year: (Personal)
Travel to 3 different countries this year (Costa Rica just has to be one of them)
Buy my house by March
Pay off my car and/or student loans
Go visit my cousin Marcus for his birthday in February (Georgia)
Go visit my grandma for her birthday in February (North Carolina)
Go visit my cousin Nichelle in B'ham
Go visit Maya & Dalila in NYC
Spend more designated time with my mom
Spend more time with Savion & Sandra
Ryane's graduation (important event)
Take at least one bible school class at my church
Kiera's graduation and 18th birthday (important event)
Recover all my lost property from my house fire (by February)
Get engaged and/or married (to a serious propect)
Buy more jewlery to fill my jewlery box up with
Spend less money (take my lunch &/or stick to my budget)
Come up with and follow a monthly budget
Save $10,000
Finish all dental work in my mouth
Take my vitamins and stay in a constant optimal state of health
Read all the books I started:
Spider Spin Me a Web
Why Men Marry Bitches
Telling Lies for Fun & Profit
A Confederacy of Dunces
The Lexus and the Olive Tree
The 48 Laws of Power
(all of which Ive started and have yet to finish)
Cut back on some of my pampering expenses (may have to start doing my own nails again)
Do Yoga at least twice a week
Drink 6-10 glasses of water daily
Be more productive with my time
Learn to say no - Actually say no and then walk away (I know its so Oprah & Doctor Phil)
Go to morning prayer at least twice a week
And lastly - think before I speak and speak more slowly when answering questions

2007-12-27T23:49:00.000-05:00

I wish I could slack off right now
Not go into work and accomplish things
Not listen to people's problems
Not create a to-do-list of all the things I have-to/need-to do
Not plan or write my goals for the coming year
Not save
Not be mindful - rather be reckless

Count down to a new year's celebration

2007-12-27T23:34:00.000-05:00

I should be sleeping but I'm up writing this blog
I up because I ate something sweet and I reminded myself, although I am comfortable in my bed - I need to get up and brush my teeth (and so I did).

And if you knew - like I knew the inconvenience a tooth ache could cause - you would get out of your warm bed and brush your teeth too

Early this year I discovered that I had cavities due to drinking coffee - how absolutely terrible for me to discover this - considering that I do not plan to give it up.
Apparently, because I used to sip on coffee all day long it created a pH in my mouth that was acidic to my teeth

Now because I actually (try) to listen to my dentist because I don't want to be old with missing teeth. I do not drink more than 2 cups of coffee and nothing passed 12ish (noon)
Besides, if I drink coffee all day - I wont even be hungry

Okay - so its late 11:42pm
Why don't I go to sleep again
Oh yeah, because I got up to brush my teeth and then I remembered that I don't know what I'm doing for New Year's. I need to see what my options are. Being not used to "going out" on this evening - I really am drawing a blank. I would like to get dressed up - but to spend money at a club or at a restaurant is not very appealing to me.
So does anyone have any ideas??????????????

It would be nice to get out of dodge - but then you have to decide North or South - East or West. Although it would be really nice - traveling also includes lodging and then you might as well have spent that $100-$150 at the club (not)

I have 3 days to decided and I just don't think I have enough time

Awkward Conversations

2007-12-23T16:08:00.000-05:00

Im trying to think about what we have to talk about even when I feel like talking about stuff with you.
I get a call that Im so used to answering and then Im answering all the standard questions until Im looking at my phone keeping track of the minutes (wow, have we managed to communicate a whole 2 minutes and 54 seconds). Only to then say - I'll talk to you some other time...

I cant stop rambling

2007-12-22T00:29:00.000-05:00

12:29am

Okay I should be going to sleep. But Im up washing clothes, eating pecan pie and trying to finish this blog.

Its funny - Its like Im doing homework or something (nice assignment)

Hey... why dont you say "Nice" anymore - must have been the word of the week

(Pause)

whew... Im back I had to brush my teeth after eating that pecan pie - Im sure my dentist will be VERY proud of me. Speaking of which - I will probably undergo major surgery next month as I have been putting of getting this route canal. Thank the heavenly Father that the tooth is not bothering me - but anyone who has ever had teeth pain - knows that that is the worst kind of pain (sorry I havent experience child birth) that one can experience. And, so I advoid it at all cost. Sometimes I forget and wake up in the middle of the night wash my face and brush my teeth...

Anyhow, getting off subject...

Marathon:

How many people actually set a pace for the relationship experience they enter in. I mean most people would say that they are going with the flow, some take it slow and others fast-forward through the movie (LOL). I think I was more-so going with the flow on the first date with this guy that I will title in the paragraph Marathon. Only thing is that the flow picked up by the end of the date and it felt something like being on a treadmill that sped up all of suden. First your walking, walking faster, running until you are running unto the point of being out of control - tryng to press all the buttons that makes the machine slow down.

Whew... my mind didnt recover from the Marathon because I wasnt ready to run. And as anyone not fit, not trained, mostly not prepared - I suffered - but not from sore muscles, more like sore decisions. Then again I wonder - have I become too exact?

Since then, Ive been in training so that Im ready for the long stretch...

Gentleman (I think Ralph Tresvant called it - a man with sensitivity) hahaha

I guess you dont always realize that there are not enough men who believe and practice some good old fashion chivary. This has taken me aback because I have learned to move fast, not wait for people (men, women, whomever) and I am totally un-prepared for someone who wants me to wait for them to open my car door.

Wow, thats pretty sad - because anyone that knows my mama would know that she would not even leave the car if her door wasnt opened for her -lol..

Getting tired
trying to figure whats taking me so long to finish this post

6:15pm
Its been a long day already and Im not sure what Im getting into
Gotta call from Sandy last night and earlier today and as usual she is MIA
She cracks me up and I know if she read this she would probably say that she feels the same thing about me sometimes

My feet and hands are freezing - I think Im suffering from bad circulation
on top of that - I cant stop rambling

2007-12-21T08:10:00.000-05:00

Ready
Set
Go...

I really dont know what to call him (this new addition to my life-style)
The Marathon Man
The Gentle-Man
or the Mis-Communicator

I guess I will focus on all three points.

Hello All - I know its been a while and my blogs have been rather dry as I have tried not to reveal certain things that have been going on in my life.

I recently googled myself and found some interesting things that pulled up (or rather things that my name is associated with). So... when my blog appeared on the page - I noticed that certain pages were highlighted and it took me back to - "how I used to be." I guess I was (pausing for a minute -wondering if I still am) some what of a fire ball, a no tolerance, take it or - leave it kind of person that found myself entertained by all the random things that happen to me (still now) on a daily basis.

Yesterday, I went to the dealership to inquire about purchasing a set of keys & remote for my mom's car and I received 2 "offers" (take notes because my cousin always reminded me that I was constantly receiving offers - at this time I deciede to accept or deny applications) okay so one guy who has been trying to detail my car - for free, tint my windows - for free and take me out to ruth chris (for the past 3 months) - made appoint to ask me if I wanted my car washed yesterday. When I actually said yes (to the car wash - in which I was going to pay for) he was no where to be found it was probably a blessing in disguise. I let him detail my car the last time I got an oil change and I couldnt get the nigga to stop calling me about tinting my window. (By the way - I paid for it with cash) I mean, every day he called me asking me if this was the day I was going to allow him to do some "free advertisement" (if you didnt get that - no charge for the service or parts) on my not-so noticable vehicle. (Red-flag) Seeing how much he was bugging me for that - going out to dinner was definitely a NO-NO, I dont need any leches... The mere fact that he had my number was simple for business purposes when I needed a repair on my car and had to leave it at the dealership. He - being the kind person he is, dropped me off and picked me back up after the car was finished (Folks, they had to do this because they refused to give me a loaner car). I guess to make a clear point he deciedes not to drop me off not in the company car but in his own vehicle (Benz truck - a BIG whatever to me) because it was more convient. (Red Flag) He even offered to let me drive his car while working on my car (Red Flag)- I happily DENIED, thats too kind and I really dont know you or your insurance policy like that. He now holds the un-defeated title of : Mr Super Pressed

Second Offer at the car dealership - is probably because he wants me to buy another car. Although, I really couldnt tell at the point where he shook my hand long enough for me to feel weird about it. Then he started asking about how my holidays were going and what was I in for today... blah blah blah. He gets no title - should he re-appear the next time I go to the dealership for service, maybe then I can gadge what he really wants.

There is something about this new guy that makes me THINK and not my normal everyday thinking in which I try to read a persons thoughts/intentions vs. their actions. I can't even explain how Im thinking in this case. I think Im the subject of "what's a girl like you doing single?" This very question alone posed in ones mind only leads to doubts about how genuine I am - which actually I wonder the same thought... "what's a guy like you doing single?" TOO?

For anyone who really wants to know - WHY, I am single. & this is no candid response - the truth of the matter is that (& I will only speak for & of myself leaving the other person out of it) I have to be me... and I cant be me (comfortably) around you

Okay - its time for me to go to the company Christmas Party - so I will have to finish this later

(To Be Continued)

2007-12-19T13:41:00.000-05:00

Long conversations about nothing
about something
you heard
or observed
and yet
you werent preturb
to hear that you were falling

Here I go thinking
again
Sorry

Here I go wishing
and then
I called you
just to say
I want you
in the worst way
I touch you
and you take me to places Ive never been
Im lying
I've been there before
but its nice to return there again

I wonder
why you walk away from me
or you run away
I wish you would just stay with me
Dont make me have to ask you this way

Here

2007-11-22T13:44:00.000-05:00

Its been easy to sign on and change the theme song(s) that is now being played on my blog. Cant quite share as much as I used to. So much is going on and then at times -there is nothing going on.

I've always respected Jay-Z for his lyrics. Then again, any writer is attached to words because they seem to make up our being.

This life is very intriguing - to know that its all been planned out. He's just up there seeing if we are making the right choices before being pushed along the way.

I'm here trying to be myself
Trying not to follow all the rules because then I wouldn't have fun and it wouldn't be genuine.

I'm here and you are
where ever you should be
don't know if its with me
even when your physically with me

I'm here and you are
probably thinking of me
probably thinking that we
could continue to enjoy - each other's company
until then
we pretend
that we don't share a connection

I'm here and you are
on my mind
what I think of
Please don't waste my time

I have plenty of distractions
be something else
give me something good
something you would give yourself

I'm here and you are
more than I expected
even with all the data I've collected
I'm overwhelmed at times
I'm here
waiting - for more of this story to unwind

Lost Ones

2007-11-22T13:41:00.000-05:00

Music Video:LOST ONE (FEAT. CHRISETTE MICHELE) (by Jay-Z)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

We make mistakes but God doesnt

2007-11-19T10:37:00.001-05:00

I read this once: We make mistakes but GOD doesnt

Hmmm... So although I feel like I want to go back and correct the T's I forgot to cross or the I's I forgot to dot. Its too late - but maybe - (just hopefully, my GOD will work it out for my good)

Today, Im dealing with some aftershock. You know like when you get into a car accident and you just hoped that you were hurt enough to sue the bastard and/or get some extra money out of the idiot that hit you. I know people who have no problem signing up for physical therapy, missing work so that they can recover lost wages or the extreme wearing a brace around their neck. But then you realize this doesnt feel so good after all. This is actually an inconvenience to be sore, to be hurt, to feel discomfort.

I thought about what I wanted to say and because Im too darn smart for my own good - I over anaylze (just about everything).
Its funny - the bible says "Lean not to your own understanding" So, I asked around and it seems like it made it worst. Yep - its offically - you messed up.
Should - Coulda - Woulda and if that was me
Seems like always - there are too many rules to follow and Im just tired of it.
When am I going to be able to make a freggin mistake and get a chance to redeem myself?
Most inventors are known for making mistakes - time and time again, until they got it right.
If I can - I want to be in that mode, where I just keep working at it until its right and use the mistakes I've made as a tool to make it better.

The world seems so far away

2007-11-05T18:31:00.000-05:00

The world seems so far away as I look at it through my near-sighted eyes. And who would of thought (surely not me) that I would need to see things so close up or with additional assistance.

I received this picture today - among other beautiful pictures from someone I thought I would be calling my sister-in-law.
Again, I say - the world seems so far away
and my new desire is to not even look that far (away)

I've been blessed with many things - but saying how I feel when I feel it is definetly not one of them.
If someone - anyone could see the process that I go through to define, catergorize or understanding what Im thinking or feeling. They would wait to see me reveal - what Im thinking or feeling (hopefully with patience).

Much too complicated - I find myself making smart remarks to people who disappoint me and/or piss me off. Its like my answer to them is to be cynical
By the time I realize what has really bothered me - it time for me to pull out my list of smart ass comments and fire away....

Its 6:41pm & I will be able to leave the office (somewhat early today). I am glad that my sister-in-law is back (in the office) but Im still completely able to take that trip to "pleasure town" (as of yet).

State of Being for the day: Moody and Werid

Moody because - I just dont want to be bothered. My phone rings & because I dont want to be nasty, I answer "some" calls. I realize that answer certain calls are a waste of my time and I really have nothing to say & so I go into silence as I think what a dumb conversation we are NOT having. I wait 2-5 minutes and talk about reading a book (however, its not a lie - but definetly a preference than being on the phone). Im moody because so many people want to have access to me and I think its a little selffish of them. Im moody beacause, I wish I had something to say and someone to say it to. Im moody because Im trying to stop drinking so much coffee - but its hard. Im moody because some body moved my cheese (no really) some body moved my lime juice that I've been using to put in my water. Im moody because I dont know how to sleep anymore - I used to sleep heavy, I used to relax - now Im so darn anxious. Im moody because I want to go somewhere - but dont know where and it bothers me that I can make a decision about something so simple. Im moody because I dont even know when is the next time Im going to have sex. Im moody...

Weird because I cant put my finger on it - but I know its there, I practically see it but cant get close enough to it.

I now have 8 minutes before I leave this place today and its weird that I actually get to leave this place early

Excuse me...

2007-11-01T08:37:00.000-05:00

Music Video:EXCUSE ME MISS (by Jay-Z)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

I hate fun in AC (Atlanta City). HAPPY BIRTHDAY COUSIN!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-31T16:56:00.000-05:00

Picture: Me and Aaron
I dont have too many pics of me at the party - because I got there super late. However, the party didnt end til about 5am - 6am
I do have some funny stories - just ask my cousin, who told me the following morning to stay off the table (YOU REALLY HAD TO BE THERE)

Sometimes - (Inspired by nothing/something/everything)

2007-10-29T18:25:00.000-05:00

Sometimes Im over it already
By the time you come to me
By the time you say to me
You're ready

Sometimes Im feeling you again
Feeling us and then
You remind me
You confine me
You blind me

Sometimes Im thinking too much
Wait...
I always think too much
and I think you think too

Sometimes I hear the silence
and the thickness in the air
on your end
is just as heavy

Sometimes Im too forgiving
too ready to move on
too ready to wipe up the spilled milk
until its not only all over the floor
its all over the wall

Sometimes I dream about u
Sometimes I think about u
but I let it burn
cause feeling the way that I do
you are a lesson I have to learn

Sometimes I dont realize why I do the things that I do
Sometimes I love you
Sometimes Im through

Sometimes Im screaming - FUCK YOU!
in my head
Sometimes Im listening to your words
and cant believe what you just said

Sometimes I - Just - Dont - Know
But Im still who I am
If I was anything else
I would tell you so

2007-10-25T19:11:00.000-05:00

Im sorry I have to avoid your call
Im sorry I have to put Don't Answer next to your number
Im sorry - I cant have you liking me (too much)
Im sorry...
I just cant

Im sorry you're too young
Im sorry you're too old
Im sorry this isnt right
Im sorry
good night

Im sorry this doesnt interest me
Im sorry - you wont let me be

This kind of life is getting expensive - (Luxurious Life, Gwen Stefani)

2007-10-25T10:32:00.000-05:00

Music Video:LUXURIOUS (by Gwen Stefani)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Right and Wrong

2007-10-25T09:31:00.000-05:00

Hello World -

Today as I wake up to rain beating my window - I am thankful that God is watering my seeds and my present habitation

I myself am dry
was dry
and now I can thrive
and be renewed by life
by everything around me
by love
by feeling love
by giving love
Wanting to go outside with no coat on
dancing in the rain
some form of insanity to make me sane again
If only it will rain again

(Other than that) - Ive been literally exhausted
Still staying in the office until 8 or 9pm
Still going home to sore muscles and an exhausted body
Having enough time to eat and fall fast asleep

Is this the life to live for a young person?
My cousin (in Atlanta) keeps motivating me to stay focus on work and leave people and things alone - for the most part some of it is a distraction. But then I think - what will I do when I get to the other side? Will I have enough time then to manage it all (business and pleasure)?
So many people (not even family) are asking me when am I going to get married. As if it was a sin for me to be single and successful.
I wish they stop talking about it -
I don't even want to think about it (right now)

I recently had a new book idea - but haven't finished the other book yet. Little pep talks to myself recently go like this:
Slow down
Breathe
Finish this first - then go on to the next thing...

Ive almost mastered "not rushing" when I feel like I'm spinning in circles, driving to fast or my heart is beginning to beat faster - I stay - its not worth it to rush it

Part of me is upset with myself mostly -
I try to treat people the way - I want to be treated (like the good book says)
But then when I don't get what I want I think - what's the point?
Maybe I'm wrong for expecting to get it from certain people
Maybe I should be thinking futuristically that I'm planting a seed for someone else to treat me the way I want to be treated...

Recently, someone said they could hear me thinking
Believe me I'm always thinking
I'm a thinker
I think of so many things
(so many things)
you wouldn't even believe it
you couldn't conceive it

I know more than what I show
maybe too afraid to be wrong
then too afraid to be right
I cant tell what is worst

Being wrong and having other people point out your mistakes
or being right and having to realize it was a mistake

So maybe if someone asks me that question right now (what are you afraid of?)
my new answer is:
I'm afraid I'm right and your wrong

2007-10-18T18:04:00.000-05:00

Maybe I shouldnt have said all that
But I did
and that starts the problem
Opening my BIG mouth
then when I dont (open my mouth)
people wonder why I dont have nothing to say
The irony - of it all

Its Howard Homecoming Weekend
The very weekend that I somewhat despise -
The very weekend that the whole darn city parties and I happily avoid the crowds and the nonsense

I've recently made a habbit of avoiding people. Right now Im looking at a view missed calls and hoping they call back - when Im in a better mood.

So here we go... what's exciting about my day today. Nothing too much - I guess. Earlier, I was extremely PISSED at the "blonde secretary" who came over an hour and a half late today. Im looking at her right now as I type this -
Her effort to make it up to me by "doing her job" is great - I just wish I was more tolerate at times and not so easily angered

Its this rage that it coming out of me?
Perhaps
Thats making me so darn edgy

On Tuesday, my business partner got on my last nerve
My normal reaction was to keep the anger in
But this time I was sooooooooo blown
I expressed myself
I expressed it
and now I look at it and her differently

I have a song in my head - Cher, "If I could turn back time"
Wouldnt that be a useful powerful I would love to have

Maybe now I sleep too hard

2007-10-16T08:55:00.001-05:00

Cant seem to wake up in the mornings
Im currently using my cell phone as an alarm clock and it has proven not to be effective when it comes to snoozing.
At my old home/place - my alarm clock was across the room and so every 10 minutes I would have to get up out of my warm cozy sheets to shut the darn thing off
(Since then... getting out of bed hasnt been the same)
Even when I was temporarily in between places - the movement of another person in the room, helped me to realize that I must get up and get started with my day
(And I guess that goes to show not to depend on other people)

My new ritual before going to bed includes drinking a cup of Tension Tamper tea to unwind and placing a warm/hot neck warmer where-ever is sore or tired. This is a good subsitution to my occassional glass a wine, I used to drink before bed that my mother constantly questioned me about. Dont get me wrong the wine is still available - but what's the point when Im no longer having trouble sleeping?

Just somethings Im thinking about - 2

2007-10-11T07:22:00.000-05:00

My mother

Gosh I Love Her

I mean if I was a man - I would marry her

lol

But there are a few things - I often find myself making little wishes that I dont grow up and do like her.

And then there are regular people (and some important people) in my life that I sometimes look at they're ways and say to myself - NOT ME!

I mean I have developed enuf bad habits (see any of my coffee references) to know that I just dont want no one elses ideals. And I've said this before and Im gonna say it again - what works for you may not work for me.

For me - what works is the freedom to choose spontaneously what I may do in that day, that week, that month, that year or that moment.

For me - what works is sleeping in and going to the office late. I am more incline to stay later at work that I am to show up on time. Funny thing is that I was talking to a friend about when I was a flight attendant I woke up so early (I mean sometimes 2 hours a head of time & I lived literally around the corner from the airport) because I was so afraid of being late. There was obviously a consequence for me to go through all that and thus I know that in some situations a consequence must be implied in order for me to oblige.

For me - what works is getting out of the house at least once a day. When I lived in the Adams area I walked to get coffee. Was the coffee that good - nope! But I got out of the house, cleared my mind and probably came up with some creative ideas. I used to walk a lot (when I didnt have a car) now I drive - listen to music and waste gas.

For me - the issue is not about wasting gas.

For me - the food must be served hot, have a nice appearance or presentation and be good. I happen to bellieve that I have a good taste for food (even when i do put a little more salt that I should).

For me - having several clothing items that are black is not depressing - just easy to match.

For me - my hair must be done at all times and must look nice.

For me - love is something I do well

For me - to love someone is to love hard

For me - falling out of love is harder than falling into love

For me - taking a trip together is not about keeping up with the Jones'es - its about getting to know how a person is when Im in a different place and their all I have to depend on

For me - money will come and money will go and then again money will always be around

For me - God is an important part of life's equation

For me - There is no other person I'd rather be - than me

Just somethings Im thinking about

2007-10-11T07:16:00.000-05:00

Why does every person (that I know) who has the Apple I-Phone (really) want me to know that they have that phone? Its like people are determined to slip it in the conversation.
For example: If the call drops (which happens often if you have Cingular/AT&T - dont believe the commerical hype). The call drops and within the explaination you may here... Its this I-Phone I got, I mean its good but they are still working out the kinks.
Shut the hell up!
Give me a break!
and go get off of your Apple High Horse

I have nothing against Apple - I just dont want to hear about how great they are all the time. You act like they created the Sun and the Moon while they were at it...
Whew... just a little vent
Now this whole story would be extremely funny if I told you I was on an Apple Laptop computer but presently I dont have one (Hint... Hint)

Last night the DJ saved my life

2007-10-07T23:25:00.001-05:00

I guess in this case you can't really put a price on a memory or experience and for that - the person who came up with the MasterCard marketing tactic - is truly priceless (in my book)

Although I was uncertain (I mean down to the very second) - I went to the reunion and enjoyed myself

However, I am learning to listen to myself more - which Im learning I have a pretty good intution of things and people

Most of the people (who showed up) and Im talking out of a class of 500-600 about 100 folks showed up (if that many) and it was a flash back alright

All the girls that hated me because I was skinny/slim and cute - were quickly reminded that I hadnt changed one bit
And so, they thought it was necessary for them to guard their husbands and/or significant others
when all I was really trying to do is mingle (LOL)
and it really wasnt that serious
(Im laughing because Im thinking of the Keyshia Cole and Missy Elliot song - I dont want your man...)

There were several times throughout the night that I decided to leave (before the event was over) but as the song says "Last night the DJ saved my life" and he really did.
I jokingly told my friend Bah - that I had made 3 booty calls (a name of a dance and song) by 10pm - so I was tired

It was quite fun being out and I am one of those people who genuinely likes to dance

BUT.... I could feel the hate and for that reason - I'll say - 10 years wasnt enough time

Will I go to another reunion - Probably NOT
So for that - I guess it was worth $60 bucks (kinda)

Change of Pace

2007-10-07T23:20:00.000-05:00

Music Video:HEAVEN HELP (by Lenny Kravitz)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

Life Lessons and Rules

2007-10-07T21:47:00.000-05:00

Life's Lessons and Rules:
Earlier today - I over heard myself tell a friend my age (28) and it suddenly dawned on me that I am indeed getting older
It actually was someone of a shock to me as I am so use to people thinking that I am younger or being the youngest individual in the group

Most of my clients think that I've just graduated from high school or college if I'm lucky
I don't have any children which seems to make you older or wiser in someone elses eyes
Then I'm not married - which some people think is another sign of maturity- being able to commit to something and/or someone

I recall my old boss saying to me "I wish you were married or had children because then I would feel you would "need this job" and stay"

Yes - she (I had a female boss) actually said this to me
and I was dumbfounded

What the heck?

I presently think that its potentially MORE difficult taking care of yourself - especially when society set up to help people who have families

Needless to say - this has been happening to me my whole life
I am the youngest of SEVEN siblings and all of them - are opinionated and would love to tell me what to do

So, I think this has put me on the defense when I run into others who may feel prone to instruct me in areas that they assume I need help in
I am presently not denying any help
Just evaluating the fact that most people think that I'm not smart enough to make a "mature" decision on my own
So this where I think (and I mean think hard)
where did I go wrong
what did I say or NOT say to make YOU think that
I know
its my fault
I didn't give you all the details
and honestly - I have a tendency to do this a lot

My own secret trust issues - that makes me hold information inside of me - until I can come up with an ideal solution

I see people make all kind of dumb decisions daily
and yet
because I'm not married
because I don't have children
because people don't see the gray hair - that has taken shape in the form of an eye lash
am I NOT where I should be
Suddenly - I'm a young (dumb) blonde
hmmm....

I tell you - I have never felt or heard the clock ticking as I did today
Suddenly, I am rushing to buy a house
Suddenly, I am rushing to find a soul mate
Suddenly, I am rushing to have children and have my body go through all kinds of changes
Suddenly, I am rushing to die (retirement fun, insurance policy, 401k)
I'm rushing
Running a freggin marathon
but I'm not living
I'm just working hard
and I'm not enjoying a damn thing about my life right now

I read a book once called Black Girl in Paris
perfect title for me
perfect book for me
(Black girl moves to Paris to pursue a writing career - blah, blah blah- see what I mean)

In the book, the author made several profound statements that I sometimes quote (depending on the situation):

A bomb will kill U instantly - Love will make U wish you were dead
(don't know why - but I connected with that statement)

Anyhow - another thing she said was:
"Make rules and break them"

Huh?

What sense does that make?
Actually take out the time to come up with a standard, rule, or condition and then arbitrary break it!
Funny thing about this - is that I USED to think this was pretty cool

Now, I'm starting to think in my old age (LOL)
this is not going work well

Because I happen to know people who live by codes, rules and standards that they don't break for no body
Not even their own momma
and so -
I'm very tempted to try it
a different way
(definition of insanity: doing the same thing and expect different results)

Develop some rules
somethings that I will not do
so far here are 5 rules I've come up with (to start):

I will not date a person for more than 2 years - if it isn't going anywhere by the 2 year mark - its not going to go anywhere and I'm simply spinning my wheels

I will compromise in certain areas - but I will not change: the way I think or who I am

I will accept your first answer as your truest answer

I will not be afraid to say no or hurt your feelings

I will pray about things I don't understand and let go and let God

Nothing more to say

2007-10-04T13:34:00.000-05:00

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I keep finding myself at the CD - DEPOT!
Running across CD's that are aparently now - "out of print"
Getting my grove onto
Lucy Pearl
Phyllis Hyman
Alanis Morrisette
Nina Simone
Tori Amos
Lenny Kravitz
Kelis
Madonna

I mean.. talk about a heck of a Music Library
And if you've seen "I Think I Love My WIfe" - I dont exactly have "nigga ears"

But anyways...

Its Thursday
I woke up on the stuffy and congested side of the bed this morning
I woke up trying to fight my crave for coffee
not understanding why after I brought all this "healthy" herbal and white tea
Why I cant seem to drink it
I even brought honey

I guess some things which are good for you - or not so good
you cant seem to let go
its like something has to happen for you to - kick the habit

Im starting to think that Im a clinger
and not an initial clinger
but I gradually become use to somethings in my environment and become unsettled when things dont remain constant

I wonder if its okay - being this honest about myself
knowing that someone - anyone can read this and classify me, judge me and maybe decide to stay away from me

Im basically starting to live by the model -
"I never said I was perfect"
Some of my favorite movies, shows and even books - deplict this attitude
Hence... Bridget Jones Diary
& My favorite part is when he told her... I dont like all these things about you - but at the same time - I love you for you are

AND... I think I'll end this here
(nothing more to say)

2007-10-02T19:52:00.000-05:00

If I really was blogging
If I really was expressing
If I really was telling it
Like it is

I wouldn't be afraid
To mention Names

I wouldn't be afraid
To be quoted

I wouldn't be afraid
To embarrass
or Be Embarrassed

But what was confusing
what was mis-understood
what was contradicted
or
hypothetically predicted

wouldn't be explained
words couldn't be contained

Cuz If I was really blogging
I would be more free
to speak my (true) thoughts

Is it really worth $60 bucks

2007-10-02T19:42:00.000-05:00

Still trying to figure out if Im going to the Class Reunion - which Im finding out is this Saturday. Which means I need to pay my fee/dues by tomorrow.
Even Na' called me tonight encouraging me to go
Aparently, most of my friends think I've become some sort of anti-social house mouse. Contrary to what they believe - Im in the office way more than Im in the house so there...

Running into old friends:
What Im afraid of is that no one is going to be there and I cant afford to be there when "no one" is going to show up. Im sorry but I must maintain my cool card - I happened to be a popular and well sought out female in my day and to give up my title so soon would be a disgrace to my children (LOL)

Im considering what it would be like to see some people?
What would we talk about?
Would it be the typical conversation or set of questions"
Kids? - No Kids
Married? Divorced? Single? In a relationship?
House? No House?
Degree? Degrees?

Its so standard - Im not sure if Im really interested
I mean - Im really thinking of who I would Love to see?

In the process, I got back in contact with a old friend/class mate of mines -
other than that -
Is it really worth $60 bucks

What to do? What to say (and these are the questions I often ask myself)

2007-10-01T18:30:00.001-05:00

I was supposed to leave here hours ago - but here I am about to type a post

What to say and what to do?
The two most common questions asked by me - to me, just about everyday!

I looked up some information on Costa Rica last night (was considering a weekend travel venture) only to find out via Bobby that its the rainy season - Dang! no wonder why it was so darn cheap

Then we started to talk about London vs. Ireland. I just don't wanna spend a lot of money on entertainment while I'm away from America - and it seems like the only place you can do that right now is Dominica Republic.

Any self respecting Leo - hates to go anywhere where everyone else has been or is talking about going. We must on all occasions do the complete opposite or set the trend

Well I tried... but was not very successful
This morning I tried to wake up and start a coffee fast (30-days with out coffee) for the month of October
but just like R. Kelly's song Bump & Grind
My mind is telling me no - but my body says yes
So I said yes and excepted that "sometimes" your body - knows what it needs
I must control my flesh and/or have more strength to resist that "coffee demon" but he or she has my number and dials it around 6:45am every morning
I keep answering it
should I get caller ID
then again
does it really work
when you are trying to avoid a call
I used to change the person's number to (DON'T ANSWER) even that doesn't work if there is only 1 don't answer in your phone

so what am I supposed to do
What do I say
and these are the questions I often ask myself

Its been 10 Years.... Dang!

2007-10-01T18:28:00.000-05:00

Questions I had to answer for my Class Reunion coming up - I think in a week or two:

1.What did you do immediately following high school? (College, employment, etc.) I went to school. I started out (meaning Freshman year) at Virginia State University and end up/finished at American University. Started out a Mass Comunications/English & Print Journalism Major (in both schools) ended up with a International Business/International Studies degree

2. What is your current occupation? Self-employed, Business Owner - Home Health Care for Medically Fragile Children

3. What was your most unique occupation or situation since you graduated? I was a flight attendant for a year and half. Free travel, flexible schedule and interesting experiences

4. How do you spend your free time or what are your hobbies? Writing, Reading, Shopping and Traveling

5. What is the best or most fun experience you have had since High School? Traveling back and forth to Paris - I went there twice before I even became a flight attendant - I just love that city

6. What is your favorite High School Memory?
The whole Senior Year was fun, interesting and something to remember. I think our class really took notes from other classes before us on what and what not to do. I think it also helped that most of us really knew each other pre-high school

Talk to me

2007-09-28T19:55:00.001-05:00

Talk to me

dont make me wait

Im not like you

I wont complicate

it wont calcuate

to mean

anything

less

If you hesitate

time wont hold its breath

waiting for you

waiting for me

Im waiting for you now

to talk to me

doubt

2007-09-28T19:46:00.000-05:00

Tell me something

what do you want from me

Go ahead

Try to figure me out

and weigh

all the endless possibilities

and if there's a doubt

in your mind

get it out

and you will find

that its so much easier

to blind

No more meds for me

2007-09-28T19:26:00.000-05:00

I guess I'm trying - but really I'm exhausted...
It seems like it is taking so much energy to do everything
everything right now requires so much thought
If this is what it means to be a "grown-up"
Then I want to be a toys-r-us kid

No really, I'm searching for a vacation spot as we speak
I need to really unwind ...

I wanted to go to Miami this Thanksgiving -but I cant or I wont and I couldn't anyhow...
I not very excited about spending the holiday's with my family this year
I'm really not excited about the holidays in general
Just another opportunity to spend money - I guess

No, I really shouldn't think like this
I shouldn't have this attitude
But I'm so under-motivated for adventure

Tomorrow, I'm thinking about what I need to do or what I want to do
and with the way things are going with the business - I will probably be in the office
Like now -
I'm in the office at 8:30pm at night
I guess it would have been perfect working as a Merchant Banker for FBR
I surely don't mind putting in the late hours

I have settled the dilemma with my hair
and for now, I'm considering my occasional coffee fast for the month of October
(Coffee fast - no coffee for 30 days)
God, help me - I feel like its going to be difficult

And after splurging on chocolate chip cookies (3 a days) for the past 2 weeks - I'm officially over my craving & thank God for that because I don't think my skin could take much more...
Actually, its not doing that bad (my skin that is)
I have decided to fire my dermatologist and the prescriptions she gave me recently - wont be thrown in the trash - however, they wont be filled
I haven't even used or taken the many samples she provided me with
I was so upset, so depressed and so discouraged with my dermatologist last week - should could really tell - because she started speaking to me in a soft voice as if - I know Ive disappointed you - but Ive given you all the drugs I know to give and if these don't help then yes - I am a bad doctor...
blah.... blah... blah....

No more meds for me
well at least for now

2007-09-25T18:50:00.001-05:00

U wanna know whats going on in my personal life...?
Not a dang thing
Im so boring right now - Im reviewing my AARP benefits for the next year

I take naps and go to bed around 10pm.
Aint nothing going on

You want suspense?
You want drama?
You want trama?

Next time you ask me that question and presume Im keeping information from you - Im just going to make something up.

Would that be better?

2007-09-25T18:10:00.001-05:00

I really dont want to complain , but Im dealing with people who dont understand me when I speak.
I think I mentioned today (and it came out so poetically).
I say words that dont create sentences... (dont worry I aint talking about you)
Im just really edgy right now
and I while people are getting on my nerves Im trying to look at them the way Astrin used to - slightly poutting, slightly annoyed, very confused and very focused at the same time.
Problem is that - I dont think she was really hearing what those people had to say

There you go - I guess I do miss ya Astrin!

Back to my complaining...
I seem to be dealing with a lot of people's..... there is no other word to input her but
SHIT
okay - I said it Ive been dealing with other people's shit and Im tired of their asses
Just so you know - I am planning my blonde secretary's demise as we speak
I hope - she'll be out of her before the next highlight sets in...
I am currently in a mood where I have no other choice but to direct my frustration at her stupidness and she makes it very easy.
She talks on the phone most of the time she is at work & I really dont have a problem with that while she is filing. I mean you CAN file and talk on the phone.
But when you half-ass every other task that is given you and I start to feel like I should be doing it myself -
Then I start to think
Why dont I do this myself?
Maybe I should pay myself an extra $15 an hour to do what I obviously pay her NOT to do
Then I would be really happy.
I hope to find a male replacement to balance some of the horomozones in the office.

I myself have a serious problem with giving a "smart" response (especially when Im feeling edgy). The only person who has really dealt with my smart mouth is my sister Joy. At the age of 16 - she popped me in the mouth - I couldnt believe it. However, there is a first and last time for everything. She expirenced both at the same time.

I really dont want to be in the office
I wish someone could plan me a get away

The Blonde secretary

2007-09-25T18:06:00.000-05:00

The blonde secretary - oops I mean administrative assistant.

And when I say blonde - I don't really mean the blue-eyed devil with long flowing hair or the Babs look alike.

I'm talking about the dumb as a door knob type of blonde

Today and recently my assistant... That I shall not call her name in vain - blew the hell out of me.
For those of you living outside of the DC Metropolitan area needing some translation. "To Blow" some one come from the notion of being blow away by a strong force or wind and or to be taken by surprise.

Anyhow back to my story

One Dumb question after the next
I mean I wanted to lay her out on the postage meter, stamp her and send her back to Blondie-ville

Yes I wanted to return this solicited product
And Please take me off of your mailing list

Just the dumbest questions like why is the sky blue seem to need my immediate attention today.
I'm trying to think
is this pay-back from being a bad assistant -
NOPE, I didnt ask dumb questions
Just a case of coming from a micro-managed environment. Needing to be validated and understand every task, note and/or procedure.

Anyhow - I just hope Blondie finds her way back to my favorite comic

A Day of Rest

2007-09-22T23:13:00.001-05:00

I took a nap today
How awesome is that
Funny thing is that Im still tired

I woke up early today around 8am. Wasnt really ready for the world until about noon. Left out only to realize that I was in a shopping mood. This feeling has been coming upon me a lot lately. But, I decided to resist it
Im actually in the market for clothes and not just because its fall - but because I really dont have much to wear since the fire.

Day by Day, I reflect back and miss certain things about my apartment and even life, pre-fire. I wish I was there now. To hear the noise from the city (ambulances or police cars mostly). I miss my annoying neighbor who would sometimes cook chitterlings and leave her door wide open - allowing the smell to creek up into my unit. I miss her asking me why dont I check on her more or how my cousin (who used to live with me) is doing. I miss the option of being able to take the bus (if I wanted to) or the subway for that matter, which is also close by. I miss all the spices that were in my kitchen cabinet, I miss my wine glasses and my rabbit wine bottle opener, I miss my down comforter and my electric mattress pad, I miss my bed and all 8 of my pillows (not including the 2 I gave away), I miss my closet full of black clothes and my other closet full of colored items, I juist miss it!

I feel somewhat displaced - Hell... I'm homeless

I refused to rent another apartment - so I guess I will have to wait until the end of the year for a house.

It aint 4 in the morning

2007-09-19T06:14:00.000-05:00

I dont know why - but I seem to always find myself listening to women sing about their problems is it a "woman thing"? (see previous blog)

I think being a writer (in a sense) - it latches me to their words and the way they choose to create their story through song. I have also been told that some of my peoms could be singable lyrics

Good Morning All:
It aint 4 i n the morning - but I tried to wake up early today. I had a 6:30am oil change I had to make. I know - I know, that's crazy going to get car services so early. But I think its fantastic that my car company offers it as early as 6am.What if I was trying to drive out of town and like some people who want to get their car checked or serviced before they leave, it could be a convenient thing - think about it some more.

What the heck is everyone doing now that its fall? Is it fall yet? and when does the time change?

The weather here is already cooling and its freaking great. Mostly because I think that clothes in the fall and winter months seem to be more stylish. In the summer you are basically advertising your body with short skirts, shorts, back-less or halter-top dresses, same thing for the shirts, swim suits and so on. Soon people are going to try walking around naked - at that point maybe we will all be de-sensitized to it.

Speaking of de-sensitizing. I think that most guys are getting that way towards women's dress. I mean we show so much (in the summer). I myself used to show a little leg, a little arm and yes at one time a little belly button. But that was then and this is now. Gotta grow up from hoochie-ness (not to say "I" dressed like a hoochie) but all that changes. I think I am now in my sophisticated stage where soft or creamy materials/fabrics complement the well-covered body. Im talking about dressing like a grown-azz-woman (LOL)

Anyhow, I seriously need a vacation. My friend Bobby mentioned Jamaica - been there done that. I dont care if it is a new and nice resort. I wanna get some use out of my passport before it expires next year.
I think thats amazing that I have a passport that will expire - which means Ive had mines for 8 years - verses some folks who are just starting to get them. I think the renewal process will be a lot easier than trying to get a new passport at this time.

Quick thought: Maybe I should drive to Mexico. Maybe I should see how easy it is to cross the boarder -lol

4 in the Morning

2007-09-19T06:13:00.000-05:00

Music Video:4 IN THE MORNING (by Gwen Stefani)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

What to do? What to say?

2007-09-18T19:28:00.000-05:00

Oh wow
Where do I start?
Maybe I should just jot down random thoughts

Why are single people in a rush to get married?
Why are most married people I know having problems and considering divorce?
Why does this discourage me as a single person?
Why do most females dream about and plan out their wedding
But they dont plan to be married to a jerk who wont pick up his own socks or put the toliet seat down (LOL)

Why do people hear good advice - say that its good, but choose to ignore it
What makes us listen
Why does it take us so long to find ourselves

Why dont they call the 20's (meaning the age period) the awakening period

Why cant I figure out what I want to do with my hair?

Why do these developers keep building houses that no one's buying
Why dont they just try to work with the people/families who are down on their luck in their mortages and give them a break. It wont benefit any body to be out on the street or have to move into an apartment if they are kicked out of their homes because no one is buying anything right now

why is it such a BIG accomplishment to "own" a home
and why is so much pressure at the same time
What if I want to live in an apartment for the rest of my life and avoid having to cut the grass or pay someone to cut my grass via home owners fees

why do I love the color orange... and blue

why do I stay at work so late
why dont have have nothing or no one to go home to

Why do I think Im really going to miss my fish Pebbles - she was so pretty and different - she had a great personality

I wonder if this winter will be cold?

I wonder if I'll learn to relax or will I run around until Im exhausted (like my mother)

I wonder if I should call Astrin
I wonder if its really worth it to be upset with her

I wonder if I should go back to school
and if a Master's in Hospital Administration is what "I" really want to do

I wonder why the people that you want to say I Love You - dont
and then the people you dont want to say - do

Sometimes I look at couples and see how they size up
I wonder their story
I wonder how he - she looks when their are mad
how they solve problems
what's their biggest fear

I wonder why some people get mad at little things -
and how little things are the BIG things to them

I wonder why I keep craving chocolate chip cookies
Why I cant seem to drink enough water
and why I will keep reheating coffee - because I hate it when it gets cold

I wonder what people really think
and sometimes wish I was a mind reader

I wonder if Im making the right decision
and is it okay to let go now

Ode to The New AT&T aka "Dem Bastards"

2007-09-18T18:54:00.000-05:00

First of all - Hello everyone, I know Ive been gone for sometime - but thank GOD for Blogs - I need to vent

For almost a year I have been the proud owner of a Cingular (or is it AT&T) 8125 Pocket PC - PDA cell phone.

As of today, I am on my 3rd phone. Why you might ask - well thats because those commerical where Cingular has actors comicially protray how "other" cell phone companies drop calls - they themselves - Drop calls...and they drop them like nobodies business. In fact, I was on the phone with my friend Tony who has Cingular/AT&T and both of us had full bars - yet the call dropped for no reason at all which leads me to my next frustration.

I cant even place a call on this phone - the screen keeps saying its dailing - but I dont hear the normal sound that a phone that is dailing makes. So the phone pretends to connect to the person I want to call - even to the point of saying its connected. Here I am saying - Hello... Hello... If you can hear me its my stupid phone and "dem bastards" are probably having a good laugh on me right now. I hang up - only to be able to actually make the same call I was trying to make MINUTES later.... What the Hell....

For those of you who arent familar with this phone - it slides open to show the "hidden" keyboard. This is one of my favorite features - only things is that the phone decides which position it wants to show me my information. If the phone is in the horizontal position it shows me things vertically and if its in the vertical position it shows me information horizontally. I am not the master of my domain (phone) - because only a hard reset (similar to a hard reboot of your computer) will save me from my agony.

Apparently, I need to make this a weekly ritual - I replace my phone on Thursday and by Saturday I was experiencing the same problems I turned my phone in for. Maybe someone played a trick on me in the waranty office - Maybe they removed all of my information and just gave me back my old phone -
My... That sure was funny. You got me - Games over. I dont wanna play with you anymore.

Is there a solution: this is the most interesting thing when you call a customer service line or in my case I spoke to customer service, the waranty department and tech support. All The kings horses and all the kings men - couldnt get the dang phone back together again.
So the rep is going through all the "protocol" because they are trained to NOT provide you with good service only to pretend that they are providing you with good service (part of me wants to take that back because I have come across some VERY helpful people) but since this isnt the case in this situation. I will tell you that I heard a whole bunch of Sorries and hold on let me ask my supervisor or let me ask a "senior" rep... HUH!
You arent fooling anybody
you are probably taking some extra bites of your sandwhich, going to the bathroom, a smoke break, ANYTHING but talking to your supervisor about what just happened - You know WHY - because the supervisor should have gotten on the phone - thats WHY - Blondie (Im assuming the girl was blonde).
So not only are they pretending, Im pretending to not care, not to be angry, and to believe in this fake supervisor story...
and its really - freaking ridiculous

What now!

The straw that breaks the camels back:

Lets summarize what just happened here.
Been with Cingular - The new AT&T for sometime now (Im talking years) - maybe its time for a change
I have a business account and 2 other accounts under mines
I purchased a phone that didnt work for me - not once, not twice, but three times
I was able to trade my phone in for a better phone (yes laugh)
they think they are doing me a favor by upgrading me
they think they are doing me a favor by running this idea to upgrade me by their fake supervisor while they finish their lunch

Okay here is the straw: I found out that I was paying for insurance on my phone - only to find out that the insurance doesnt cover PDA phones
My question to the rep - so why are you charging once a month
Ladies and Gentlemen - I received the dead silence treatment or maybe the call dropped after all it is The New AT&T with the fewest dropped calls

Okay I think Im done for now....

Questions....

2007-06-04T18:50:00.000-05:00

Hello All
How the hell is life treating you anyhow.

I got a lot to say
I have a lot going on right now
and I dont feel like being too personal - although I could really use your advice.
(Still contemplating because I've had enough exposure for the week)

Maybe a couple of questions would be better...

What would you do if you found out that your special someone was communicating with someone else?

What if you found out by checking their phone?

How would you reveal that you know - or think you know that something is going on?

What if they lie? or didnt tell the whole truth?

What if they dont lie? or didnt say anything?

What if they were so mad that you went through their phone?

What if they dont trust you?
What if you dont trust them?

What if feelings get hurt?
What if words are said that arent meant to be said?

Out of all of that - what if you never found the real issue?

How much time should a couple that has been together for over a year be spending with each other?
Is there a set time?
and yes, they live in the same city?

Do guys really act like a damn fool in the summer?

When do you stop compromising?
When do you continue?

What do you do when you are drifting away?

What do you say - when you've said - I'm not getting what I need from you?
What do you do when you keep getting blown off?

What consitutes ending a relationship?
What things can be forgiven?

How long should you wait for him/her - to grow up?
to realize?
to understand?
to find themselves?
to give back?

Closer

2007-05-09T19:13:00.000-05:00

I just found out that my grandfather (grand-dad) passed today... and Im kinda bummed about it. I mean I really wasnt close to my grand-dad (on my father's side) and I really wasnt close to my grand-dad (on my mother's side). Its like being born the baby of the family (of 7) I missed out on some good bonding time. I dont have the same recollections as my older brothers and sisters who remember - when family lived with "us" while they were sick or while mom was working another job. Yes, I am truly bummed by the fact that I dont have a lot (enough) positive male role models in my life that have shaped me into the young lady that I am today. (& I know my mom is somewhere saying that she was both mother and father - but God did not create one in the same, but two)

Im bummed... because from what I remember of my grandfather Jesse was that we couldnt hold a long conversation because we just didnt have enough to talk about... He was a scholar so asking me about school was expected and you can only elaborate about classes for 5-10 minutes. Other than that - we stared into the air, into the television - listening to silence or listening to heavy breaths being taken...

This sucks -
no tears to form
because no memories were formed
and I wish we were closer

like how you would read in stories
of a granddaughter burring her face into her strong grandfather's chest
strong and gentle
with words of wisdom
and lots of stories
of how lucky we are
to be born
in the latter part of the century
and now - I can only wonder
what it would have meant to be
closer

Near-sighted

2007-05-08T18:07:00.000-05:00

I've lost my glasses (freakin again) - I dont know what the heck is going on. I almost hate admitting that I lost them because what if I find them or would have found them - had I not spoke the negative phrase into existence............Breathe (praticing yoga)

This would be the 2 time in about 2 months and I only need them for driving at night (blah...the curse of being near-sighted)
I cant tell him (my boyfriend) he is sooo organized - I'll be made to walk the line.

Please help - spending money on glass every other month is no fun

That's it

2007-05-08T17:48:00.000-05:00

Reponse:
Hey Girl..(True Model)
No I didnt break up with my man - but dont-chu know men can make you feel like that...(emotionally unstable - blurting words out your mouth)

Its the on-again, off-again rollacoster (I love to ride) - how about you?
Actually right now me and my man are doing quite well and that dont mean there wont be another day that I'll be singing the blues again - but next time maybe I'll be less emotional.

Ladies: Dont you wish sometimes you were more like a guy (or maybe that's just me) - but then I guess if we were more like them we wouldnt be sugar & spice and everything nice.

(I'm careful what I say here in this public domain)

(But out of the blue I wrote this poem while typing)
Spending time with you - is like spending time with me
I guess I need to do more of it
and I just love it
when things with us are good and shit
so good that I dont even want the clock to tick
Can't stay in here?
what do mean -
Sometimes we gotta go through some areas
Where the grass isnt so green
Hmmm....
I breathe
You know I got that from doing yoga
& shit
Cause what I mean -
is sometimes spending time with you - is like finding me...
and I like it here
That's it.

Why I love being me...

2007-05-08T17:42:00.001-05:00

Your Birthdate: August 21

You're a restless rebel with an unpredictable nature.
Bright but unbridled, you tend to seek out wild experiences over new ideas.
People are frustrated by your great potential, but you love your unconventional life.
You're a heartbreaker. People get attached to you, and then you're gone.

Your strength: Your thirst for adventure

Your weakness: Not taking time for slow pleasures

Your power color: Hot pink

Your power symbol: Figure eight

Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Once Upon A Time

2007-05-01T08:36:00.000-05:00

WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl

"Will you marry me?"

The girl said, "NO!"

And she lived happily ever after,

and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis,

always had a clean house,

never had to cook,

did whatever the hell she wanted,

never argued,

didn't get fat,

traveled more,

had many boyfriends,

didn't have to save money,

and had all the hot water to herself.

She went to the theater, never watched sports,

never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her butt,

had high self esteem, never cried or yelled,

felt and looked fabulous in sweat pants,

and burped, and swore, all the time.

The end.

I thought this was cute

Hiding

2007-04-24T21:54:00.000-05:00

We used to talk - all the time
We used to laugh - all the time
We used to say I love you - during the times (when we needed to hear it)

I used to feel you - through out the day
I used to love to hear you say... anything
A look
A stare
A glare - from you
Now I feel invisible to you

Look at the BIG Picture you say
Would you mind
Hanging the portrait another way
The colors arent clear

Words dont have the same affect to you
Why I feel such disrepect from you
But you say - its in my mind...

Its not like me
NOT to worry
Its so like me
to worry
especially about things I dont know

I never had someone
play hide and seek
with everything
I count to 10
come - out, come-out...where-ever you are
I dont see anything

Indian Giver

2007-04-24T21:08:00.000-05:00

I wish I was an Indian Giver - so I can take back all my shit (like they did to the pilgrims)
all the things you stole from me
reclaim what was owed to me

On my mother's - mother side of the family - Cherokee Native American (Indian)
On my mother's - father side of the family - Blackfoot Native American (Indian) and some where down the line, I was told about some Ethopians.
On my father's side of the family - who knows - some days - who cares, until I remember that its part of me

There is something about taking something back - like how I do (or would do) if I brought a product from the store and realized after bringing it home - this is not what I wanted (anymore).
Thank God... I saved my receipt
Makes you wonder why we sometimes throw away or lose a receipt
In the line -
waiting my turn
until the cashier request for me to come to her
and then she says
Question: "What's your reason for returning this item today"
Answer: It didnt fit right
Answer: It didnt work
Answer: I brought the wrong thing
or
Answer: Just dont want it

Talking about U

2007-04-24T20:57:00.000-05:00

I cant really talk about you
because nobody is suppose to know about you

I cant belive how much I talk to you
Its soooooo good to talk to you

I dont like complaining
I hate feeling sorry
feeling sad
feeling blue

but I can be myself
I am myself
when I'm talking to u

What is the "lesson" when you dont realize that life is a school?

2007-04-24T19:54:00.000-05:00

(Interlude)
Woe is me...
Some lessons are learned the hard way
Some lessons are hard
& Some lessons need to be remembered
or you will be caught offguard

Some lessons are true or false
Some lessons are multiple choice
Some lessons are fill-in the blank
or an essay in which you must express your voice

All lessons are meaningful
none are meaningless

What is the Lesson when you dont realize that life is a school?

We are constantly learning - something
about ourselves
about others
about this world
about God
about His nature
about the way things go
about "the game"
about "the rules"

about love
about history
about geometry
about psychology
about stuff............................................................

So excuse me if I ask you the same question more than once

" I'm convinced that expensive dogs are dumb. Mutts have good sense. They understand that they have to be good. They have to poop in appropriate places, they hav to eat whatever they get, and they cant chase the resident seventeen-year-old cat. Unfortunately, I didnt have a mutt; I had an expensive dog."
Yesterday I Cried by Iyanla Vanzant

A good book - I must say. But let me also say that all the answers aren't found in books - but within. Sometimes we look up, Sometimes we look down - we look at our hands (palms), we look to the stars (astrology), to mommie or daddy, to the sterotypical problem (ex. the white man, the black man or the china man)...
I'm tired of looking
Come out - Come out where ever you are
Funny - how I think the answer is hidding from me

In wrapping this up - because I cant keep making all these submial statements -

Numbness

2007-04-24T18:57:00.000-05:00

Numbness -
Today I feel numbness, which for me is one step away from being tired.
Tired - (meaning) - that's it... I cant do this anymore.

(Freestyling)
Its 8:36pm - where are you?
You're never with me around this time
You're never here - to bring me peace of mind.
What the fuck am I waiting here for?

Is it June?
Most people wait for June

Is it morning
Most people wait for the day to be over

Is it love
Most people want love
I want love -
But I aint most people

People
I hate being refered to as "people"

I'm a person
an individual
Call me by name
or dont call me at all

I wouldnt even mind if you said
You
at least I would know who you are talking to

All the people in this world
and you think I know that - when you say "people"
you're talking about me

Next subject
why-O-why
are we still dealing
with crazy, petty, nid-picking subjects
that make me want to scream
I want to scream
but the words on the paper
dont make the kind of sounds
I want you to hear

I want you to hear
and
listen
and not just say okay

Today -
I had such a long day...
Had a million & one things
not go my way
but I still Thank God for Today

Tomorrow
cant plan it
gonna make it
until tomorrow
I'll just pace it
like I always do...

That's it
gotta end this

Im rambling now
How did I begin this

Oh
it was you
it was you that made me wonder
why I sit here
as if my whole life is under
construction
like the sign on my webpage reads
"come back soon"

Is What I Want - also What I need

2007-04-06T15:03:00.000-05:00

Music Video:I WANT YOU (by Janet Jackson)

Music Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Just in time for Valentine's Day..... (a classic)

2007-02-13T20:16:00.000-05:00

Music Video:IF I AIN'T GOT YOU (by Alicia Keys)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

2007-02-06T18:48:00.000-05:00

Getting close to Valentine's Day (only 8 more days - but who's counting)...
So What do I want for Valentine's Day (my sweetie asked me) - Well... Flowers of course & diamonds & pampering & the works (just.... Kidding) I dont want all that - BUT I am BIG on flowers. I remember going to New York one year for Valentine's Day - We stayed in a nice hotel, eat out at some nice resturants, went shopping, received a nice Tiffany's bracelet, ect. ect. - BUT two VERY important things were missing:
The Card
and the (2) dozen roses (LOL) - okay....okay... 1 dozen
Roses arent mandatory - I did receive VERY lovely lilies last year and I nearly wanted to shed a tear to show how grateful and creative I thought it was...
Anyways... Fellas - DO NOT
for Pete's sake - forget the CARD or FLOWER(s) - I dont care if you get ONE single rose - you better pick one up from off the street or 7-eleven!
Let me fill you in on something you obviously dont care about.
When your woman (wife, girlfriend, fiance', lover, ect.) goes to work she is bragging about you and she has to hear about what her co-workers or girlfriends received from their men - So please dont embarrass her - By the end of the day (Please dont forget that Valentine's Day is Wednesday) - If your woman has not received anything delivered via fed-ex, ups, 1-800-flowers or by another person - she has had to make an excuse FOR YOU: It goes a little something like this...
Oh, he hasnt told me what we are doing - I think he is really trying to surprise me (Lie)
We are doing something over the weekend (another Lie)
We are staying in and having a romantic evening he planned (half Lie - It wont be "romantic" and he could care less - so actually its a Full Lie)
Now you wonder why you get dirty looks when you show up to a company picnic or office christmas party - They have been waiting to meet your trifflin azz

Wow - Here it is Feb. 13 - the actually date that I will be publishing this blog
Okay quick story before I press the infamous button - Publish Post

I met a man today, at CVS (local drug store) - picking out a card and candy for his wife of 35 years.
Now do we care that you picked up the candy and card from CVS -
NO
In this instance it is truly the thought that counts (hopefully you arent thinking little is better in this instance).
He married is wife when he was 21 and he said with all the ups and downs - he doesnt cease to give this woman a Valentine's Day gift (or treat her like a lady)
Now that's old school
All you new-schoolers - who barely make it in a relationship that last 35 weeks (by the way its 52 weeks in a year) - you could learn a thing or two from this man.

I have a friend - who claims that if the woman cant cook, she will be scratched off the list... Fortunately for me we never dated, because I cook - but I act like I dont (ask my boyfriend). When he found out that I knew how to cook - he was SHOCKED - I really had him going. (It took him almost 6 months to find out)
Good thing for me, because I dont want any obligations to play Mommie, Wife-y or Slave...

Last point here and then Im gonna go - This one is for the Ladies
The man I met said that men are moved by us - This statement came after I asked him what would be a good Valentine's Day gift for a man and he said that its just Us . Now this is old school again - so if you are guy reading this and you disagree - come back and talk to me when you get at least 35 years of marriage/committed relationship under your belt.

More I See You

2007-02-06T18:46:00.000-05:00

The more I see you,

The more I want you.

Somehow this feeling

Just grows and grows.

With every sigh I become more mad about you,

More lost without you,

And so it goes.

Can you imagine

How much I'll love you

The more I see you

As years go by?

I know the only one for me can only be you.

My arms won't free you;

My heart won't try.

Nina Simone (1945)

Nanita

2007-01-30T20:31:00.000-05:00

So Im just going to sit here and write something
anything
maybe something funny
maybe something about my honey (How sweet he is)

Maybe something cuz Im feeling blue
Maybe something true
Maybe something even YOU - could understand

I thought about my girl - NaNita today
I dont know what to say to her sometimes
I dont know what to say to her now-a-days
we are so far away from each other
(even though we are in the same city - she may even be up the street from me - I think)
but Im talking about - we are far...............................away..................from.................... each other
further then we have ever been
dont know how this much distance has grown - between friends

I remember when we were in high school: I was good and she was bad (and sometimes vice versa) - I dont know how those moments seem so perfect to me -
Does anybody here know about "The Cranberries" - well just about every song - on every album from that group could have been a theme song to one of our adventures on any given day. And there were others - like when we (two cool ass black girls) discovered Green Day...
Dont know how I became so interested in punk-rock, at an early age. Going to a predominantly black (middle-class) school.

A year ahead of me
In age
and in school
so she left me and went to college - (VSU)
and a year later I followed
and there we were all over again - experiencing new freedoms together

Our first semester is full of stories (include the one of seeing the UFO -LOL)

2nd semester
on my own again
something didnt work out here
she left
I became somebody - on my own...

Back again
we always bounce back again
(I mean Im trying to wrap up more than 10 years in a few paragraphs - maybe you'll never get it)

That was then - This is now
Nia
Come out - COME OUT - where ever you are????!!!!!

And this is for you

Here is my hand
would you like to hold it
Seems like what you're holding on to
keeps slipping from you
I would take that as a sign
but you know me
I take
everything as a sign

I wish I had something to say
but recently
you dont like what I have to say
so Im silent

I got something I want to ask you
Where are you going?
I keep watching you spinning around
and Im getting quite tired of this
(and dizzy)
No more euphorisms
Just real life
from now on

(Incomplete)

I'll be praying for you...

Imprecation

2007-01-16T09:58:00.000-05:00

Imprecation means to curse or to invoke evil upon someone
(Please forgive me, I'm building my vocubulary through dictionary.com word of the day)

So, I want to talk about my enemies or maybe your enemies too. How much do we need them vs. How much do we want them. In the entertainment world its marketable to have an enemy (or beef) with someone. I suppose it seems very competive.

Feb 13.
When I started this blog (its been on ice or in draft mode waiting for me to publish)...
Anyhow, when I started this blog - I said (to myself) wouldnt it be nice to write a blog using all these new vocabulary words Im being sent daily to my email address (via dictionary.com).
This was not a realistic goal -
#1 - do you know how many words their are in the REAL dictionary...?
I dont have enough sentences.
So unfortunately for you I will be learning new words on my own.
2nd reason it was not a realistic goal is because - I dont have THAT much to talk about. If I had an experience or story for every word out there - SOMEBODY should be paying me.

So I gave it up and left this blog incomplete (for about 3 weeks)
But today I come back to this blog with the full intention of allowing it to reach its full potential and hopefully you will learn something new (the vocabulary word) along the way

Going Blind

2007-01-05T21:19:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: Im a Leo and we tend to make a BIG (freaking) deal out of everything (and I mean - Everything)

So.... Here it goes:

I have to wear glasses now (as of a few weeks ago)
If only you could hear my voice everytime I repeat this phrase. I'm in mere shock that all these years (my whole life) I've gone with out them only to HAVE TO -
NO wait -
NEED TO- where glasses, for driving purposes... I mean I literally cant see good.
I hope I'm not going blind?
All those years (And months) of looking at the computer screen in the dark, the bad glare- (I dispise you now).
All those years (And months) of watching TV on a small screen, straining my eyes - they cant take it any more.
I want to know NOW - if I qualify for Lasic surger - (dont you feel a sense of perfection here)

Okay - That's all I want to say about the subject, No more pressure to write blog(s) for entertainment purposes. Just me - sharing a small piece of my world/life/journal - with You
Bye for now

P.S. I just remembered something so funny (yet clever of me) - I used to end my blogs with a question or maybe P.S. - Just now I ended it like a person talking to itself and there was nothing more to discuss, thus it ended the conversation

No excuses.....

2007-01-05T20:52:00.000-05:00

Is being busy really a good excuse for not doing what I love to do? (write)
Not really - So I want to respond (and apologize) to Stacy Jones who asked me a very important question - "Why dont I update more regularly?"

Hmm... (literally scatching my head)

I guess I lack the skill of multi-tasking, which I use to be so good at. I also feel like I suffer from a mild case of Adult A.D.D. - I just cant stop jumping from one task to the next.

I would like to you to picture sitting room - which currently consist of: My computer and computer desk; loveseat and chase, small end table, chester drawers, pictures and bamboo. There is a part of my floor, in my sitting room that is especially dedicated to my piles of papers - which are to be filed, looked through, re-evaluated, completed or paid (if it happens to be a bill) or just maybe I dont know what I want to do with it - so its best I keep it before me until I figure it out. This space on my floor in my sitting room has duplicated itself in my office, where I now have pile(s) or boxes of un-sorted papers that I hide under my desk.

This is a very annoying and embarrasing disease of mines (being disorganized) and what makes it worst is that my boyfriend is ssssssssssssssooooooooooooooooooo - freakin organized sometimes I feel like he comes around to inspect my disorganization with a white glove and fines me for every shoe thats out of place - OKAY - Okay Im exagerating... but he is pretty organized and Stacy this is really a long excuse/answer for I've just been plain busy.

Also, There were some occassion when I would start some pieces/writings (in my head, while driving home) only to get to the computer and not remember the purpose of why I wanted to share the material to the public in the first place.

I think writing a blog has gotten to be a bit demanding - You almost feel obligated to write something "worth reading" when before I would write from my heart OR write while venting and it felt good - so good...
Now I sit at my computer as if I needed to write a pilot for Larry King or Jerry Seinfeld (sorrie, I just so happen to think that they are very funny - Have you ever seen Curb your Enthusasim?).
Anyhow - That's my long and lame explaination - I hope you will accept my apology. I would say that I will try to do better - but I hate making those kind of promises. (But I will try to do better - okay)

A Picture is worth a thousand words

2006-12-27T20:22:00.000-05:00

What I posted on MYSPACE:

I took a lot of my pictures down because I had an interesting conversation with my "boyfriend" (that's another subject, but if he ever reads this at least you know that I listen)... Other than that conversation a more valid issue (to remove the pictues) is that those pictures are the "old" me - I mean - I took those pictures in 2004 (here is it almost 3 years later) and Bobby (my friend and photographer) has been urging me to take more (havent had the time or energy to do it).
If someone was to meet me today they "may not" actually they will have the wrong impression based upone these pictures because - like anything in this world - change has occurred. I dont mean, I've gain 30 pounds and look like a hag - but as I stated before, that's the "old" me.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words - What do these words mean to me??? Hmm... I tend to wonder why I care (But, since I do) If the none of those words a person would say or think to themselves lead them to = respect me because Im beautiful - Then, I need to change my pose.

If its alright with you, of course

2006-11-21T07:11:00.000-05:00

Am I crazy?
Is this weird to you?
You know... The whole - thinking out loud "thing"
I mean -
Im not scared to share with you my crazy thoughts - my crazy assumptions - my crazy fears and dreams
AND why should I be?
If you go back to my previous blogs - I talk about just wanting to be "me" - sometimes, I mess that up - by adapting, comprising, contemplating, being unsecure, over-thinking, over-processing, thinking your way is better -
AS IF
the grass is green in your yard
(its just a preception - I revisit)
I addressed the grass is greenier with my Beau recently
He quickly put me in check -
THATS WHAT YOU THINK
and thats the problem - WE think TOO (damn) much
Pardon me
but we do
we just think and think - until we come up with more reasons
NOT to do something
or
NOT to be ourselves

But, I see...
Talking out loud really helps
Because when I keep all these crazy notions in my head
they grOW
they GROW - into non-sense
that I shouldnt even been considering...
Had I really
JUST - talked about it out loud
I use to share ALL my crazy thoughts with my cousin Marcus - for some reason (I seem not to know right now) we are not talking anymore
It could be that its my faze or his
So, I write more (in my journal)
and I talk to God - who never shares my secrets
and I talk Ryane' - cuz we seem to think so much alike and Im not scared to be me - just dont know how to respond at times thats all.
Its almost the end of the year
its it around this time that we start to ponder what we want to do differently for the upcoming year.
Again, I say
I just want to be more of myself
Less of you
and her
and whatever He likes about me - is nice
but that doesnt always work all the time
Im not ALWAYS - this positive all the time
Im not ALWAYS - so understandable all the time
Im not ALWAYS - so carefree all the time

so if its fine - with you
I'll keep up what I know I can do on a regular basis

It doesnt matter if you get an A on the test - as long as you Pass the test

2006-11-20T13:36:00.000-05:00

Your Patience is being tested when people are....

GETTING ON YOUR NERVES

OR.......

Your - GETTING ON SOMEBODIES NERVES

So What do you do?
Me... I get completely surprised by the phrase - as in WHAT? or How So???

Possible reasons:

Asking stupid questions
Not paying attention
Not listening
Being too silly
Being cranky
Confussion
OR......... Maybe it has Nothing to do with YOU

Okay - thats it just a random thought
By the way - that's what happens when you think out loud

Sometimes cursing is necessary

2006-11-20T12:35:00.000-05:00

Sometimes cursing is necessary (hmmm... that's a thought)
I actually dont curse (its true ask my friends)
but it doesnt mean I dont think it sometimes or
use subsitutes or
that "sometimes" I MAY use it/say it - just to show how serious I am...
Example: I aint FUCKING Playing (Im being serious, Im not kidding)

Im not sure where these words came from - but they are in the dictionary now so
- so many of us feel the need to use it,
on a daily basis,
with exclaimations,
and emphasis

So here is goes - My Most Favorite Combos:
Bitch -Ass (punk)
Bitch - Ass Nigga (Black Man who's a punk)

Stupid -Bitch (Stupid girl)
Stupid-Ass-Bitch (a girl who did something REALLY Stupid)
Dumb -Ass-Bitch (same as above)
Dumb-Ass (same as above)
You're acting like a Bitch (your behavoir is VERY unclassy)

Fucking-Bitch (I hate that girl)
Fucking-Hoe (same as above)

What the Fuck?!! (What you do that for?)
That was Fucking Dumb?! (That was REALLY Really Stupid)
I Fucking Hate You (Whoa - They really dont like You)
Fuck You! (Get out of my face)
Fuck- it (I dont care)
Shut the Fuck up! (Be quite)
Im gonna Fuck You up (Can be sexual or Can also mean that you need to run)
Fuck Me! (Sexual)
I wanna Fuck (I want to have sex)

Jesus - Fucking - Christ... (whew - thats so dangerous, by the way I've never used that one)

That's My Shit (I like that a lot)
Thats the Shit (same as above)
You're Dumb as Shit (Which means you are REALLY dumb)
Something smells like some Shit (Instead of just saying something smells bad)
Shit!!! (Instead of Ouch)

Im sure - I missed PLENTY...
Anyhow, in my opinion
Cursing shows ignorance
Cursing is un-lady-like
Cursing is not appropriate outside of that ignorant conversation you are holding with your friends
Cursing is for people with no vocabulary
Cursing does make some things sound funnier
Cursing is too often not used in it true meaning (hence, Bitch)

Fire in the Hole

2006-11-20T11:55:00.000-05:00

I am such a freaking idiot! (LOL!!)

Does God work in mysterious ways or is this a dag-gone good excuse to get a new phone... Maybe - But I didnt want to renew my contract with Cingular - I wanted to be able to threaten them with leaving for a better cellular service provider (who ever that is - they all have problems)

Anyhow - This is how the story goes...
In my need to drink more water, I threw a bottle of water in my bag AND my cell phone. To my surprise the bottle cap was just a tiny bit - unscrewed...
Such is life when we make "tiny" mistakes

Its been so long since I wrote a blog - Im not even sure if this was "blog worthy" - but I wrote it anyway...

Stay Tunned - The Saga continues

Read this today...I Likes

2006-08-31T21:14:00.000-05:00

If looks could kill - What's my body count?

Boring

2006-08-31T20:56:00.000-05:00

So I get a little sensitive at times - SUE ME
But rememeber you wont get your money.

This week
and last week
and maybe the week before that (Im in a blah)
My Body has been screaming - take a break! We need a vacation- your working us too hard.
Today at the office, I cant even recall what I accomplished other than paying some contractor to clean the carpet and checking my blog and email every 15 minutes.

Wven when I went to the gym and it was whack.

What am I gonna do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Im boried and that's such a dangerous thing for me.
The weather is too crappy to really do anything this weekend - no Florida, most of the beaches on the East Coast are out - like I said blah....

Anyway, I had a lot of good thoughts earlier in the day (I love it when the mind is fresh) I wrote a bomb-poem (that I forget because I didnt have neither paper nor pen to write it down with) the best thing about it - what that the poem was about GOD, I mean I could get some folks "SAVED" - Speaking a which - quick thought, should we really call it SAVED - I prefer saying, I'm Safe - what do you think?

Then, I spoke to an old friend - who just so happen to be a passenger on one of my flights from when I used to be a flight attendant. (Dont even ask me) He's been telling me how he's made a change in his career and its going well. I love hearing stuff like that - like I always say - when you are operating in your purpose or gift - there is a blessing inside of it!

Getting tired now - gonna go finish this book,
I wish I had somebody to walk up behind me and kiss me on my next though (SHUT UP that's the boredom talking)

Defensive? Sensitive? or Ready to beat a B*^$% A**

2006-08-31T20:55:00.000-05:00

Who's all up in "MYSPACE"

2006-08-30T10:46:00.000-05:00

Okay Yall... I recently joined... (drum roll please)
MY SPACE (yikes)
Yep - me and all the other billions of people (all over the world)

Interestingly - Im noticing that many people (who I dont know) what to be my friend?
What's that all about (time to explore) I've taken it upon myself to ask anyone who wants to be my friend - WHY?

So, you go on myspace - set up your account - post some blogs, pictures, songs, videos (nothing like blogspot.com which is more private) and within a short period of time you notice - someone wants to be your friend. Whether its a band or a person - this is a good site for anyone who is lonely or feels like they cant make friends (the key is put a really sexy picture of yourself on the space - they'll never know - lol... Just kidding - unless your gonna do it).

So far I've received request from guys, girls, artist, bands, models, ect. I would like to get a few more celebs on my space because it seems like the more friends you have the better.
Anyways come check me out: http://www.myspace.com/billioniaregirlsclub

Disclaimer: This myspace account is currently being used for research purposes

I like this one -

2006-08-30T10:41:00.000-05:00

When I say... "I am a Christian

"I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin.

"I'm whispering "I was lost,"Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumbleand need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian

"I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weakand need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say.. "I am a Christian

"I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian

"I'm not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are far too visiblebut, God believes I am worth it.

When I say.. "I am a Christian

"I still feel the sting of pain,

I have my share of heartaches So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian

"I'm not holier than thou,

I'm just a simple sinnerwho received God's good grace, somehow.

Author ~Maya Angelou~

Self-esteem

2006-08-24T15:19:00.000-05:00

Interesting definition I heard on self-esteem
First - from the dictionary:
1 -Pride in oneself; self-respect.
2- A sense of one's own dignity or worth: amour-propre, ego, pride, self-regard, self-respect
(Thank you, answers.com)

Second - ME
I guess if I had to pick a meaning I would go with EGO, being that I seem to have a semi-large one. I mean on most day - I "chalk it up" (slang) to the fact that I'm a Leo, http://www.astrology-online.com/leo.htm (I can teach you, but I'll have to charge - Yeah, well she and I share the same birthday) not to mention - that I've been told almost all my life, how beautiful and special and creative and talented and.... I am.
Wow...I didnt realize - how much of a sponge I am - soaking up every last bit of it. Now when I receive a complement, if its something I've heard before -my mouth is saying thank you, but my mind is saying "I know".
Now adays - I crave complements, that I've never heard before, something on the lines of stunningly gorgeous (that surely would make me smile).

Third - What was said
To often we only focus on the word "esteem" by the way, which is a verb - meaning someone else needs to do (all) the work.
Definition:
To have a high opinion of: admire, consider, honor, regard, respect, value. Idioms: look up to, thinkhighlymuchwellof. See praise/blame.
To recognize the worth, quality, importance, or magnitude of: appreciate, cherish, prize1, respect, treasure, value. Idioms: set store by. See praise/blame.
To look upon in a particular way: account, consider, deem, reckon, regard, see, view. See perspective.
But actually, its SELF- esteem... So all these definition you see above, if your not: cherishing, appreciating, praising, admiring, considering, honoring, valuing and RESPECTING yourself - No one else is gonna.

Its starts with you , remember I asked yesterday who sets the bar in this case, that would be you

2006-08-23T18:31:00.000-05:00

Aint this a trip!!!!!!!!!
Ever since I moved into this neighborhood (over a year ago)
I have/had this neighbor - (male of course)
who has been/was flirting with me and saying slick stuff out of his mouth (an older man, of coure)- all which I politely ignored and or gave him the dumb look (which seems to work in most situations)
However on the last (flirt) occassion, when he felt inclined to comment as the strap of my shirt slid off my shower (and his comment - "take it off") ... Bye the way, I wonder what do you say to an individual that is so desperate for attention (dont show them any) and ignorant
... I ignored, I kept walking, I laughed (to myself), I made comments to myself (out loud) like... Wow - followed by more laughing.

PUSH LINE:
Went in my house and within 10-15, door bell rings (hmmm...) I go check the door to find this lady (looks familar) standing on the other side.

CONVERSATION:
Me: Yes may I help you
Lady: Hi, I just wanted to ask you if my husband has been flirting with you
Me: (huh) Umm... who are you speaking of? as if I didnt have a clue
Lady: Well I thought I walked in on something and "he" being a man is going to lie (thats right girl) - So I decided to come to you as a woman not to start any problems, but because we live in the same neighborhood.....I can't have this man out her disrespecting me like that
Me: Well - let me make sure I'm accussing the right person, does he drive the black truck
Lady: that's actually my truck - but YES
Me: Okay - we'll thats him (my work is done!)
Note:(I didnt include the part of the coversation where she tells me that they live together, have children, blah - blah - blah, I mean just plain trifflin)

CURRENTLY:
Telling on ole boy has made my life uncomfortable
Just when I thought I was helping this lady out - now when I see him, Im try not to look in his direction for sake of her catching him - looking at me (which he cant help)...

This is some BULL
and I just wanted you to know this happened in July (is it time to get over it - he's probably so pissed at me-hahahahaha - thats what you get)

However...Enough is Enough
give me back my freedom to walk the streets and be starred at !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lesson here Ladies: Under no circumstances, should you let a man disrespect you
Lesson her Men: You might win some - but you really lost one (I wish that was an orginal, but I actually stole that from Lauryn, that girl is good)

Blue

2006-08-23T08:32:00.000-05:00

Starring at the computer
what to do?
what to do?
rather be a home
balled up in covers
watching something on the tube

today is that kind of day
where im not feeling my best
something about life - makes me feel like Im settling for less

God u see me
but what do you see
outside - im glam
but what's inside of me

B-more

2006-08-22T14:05:00.000-05:00

I made this joke (kidding around with a friend) - saying that Baltimore is whack... its a rest stop in between DC and NY. I even smile as I write this because its kinda cold to deny the city of its rights.
Anyhow - I want to apologize and show some love
http://www.beautyinbaltimore.blogspot.com/

Baltimore... your still growing on me

I'm not sorry - its human nature

2006-08-22T12:42:00.000-05:00

i dont know why but I find comfort in revealing myself (my mistakes). It takes the edge off of trying to be perfect. I mean who set the bar anyway - no me...

I dont kow why but I almost want to make a mistake a day - just to be reminded of how human I am.
Small mistakes - that I think I should get away with:

forgetting to make my bed in the morning
snoozing way too many times
leaving a dish(es) in the sink
not drinking enough water
not returning a call or calls
not ironing
skipping breakfast
drinking too much coffee
not wearing any make-up
pimples (yes I get them all the time)
running out the house with out deodorant (because I think Im European)
eating McDonalds (upsetting my stomach every time)
eating ice cream from Maggie Moos - for dinner
forgetting to cancel appointments
forgetting to shave my legs
forgetting things period
not valuing my own opinion
letting too many people give me their opinions (advice)
letting too many people in my business
over thinking
over processing
over analyzing
over doing it
being too generous
being a people pleaser
being a push over
being moody
being me

Hung Up

2006-08-19T20:54:00.000-05:00

HUNG UP (Madonna)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

Schools in session

2006-08-19T20:15:00.000-05:00

This year - school (in PG County) starts on "my" birthday
So I'm taking this opportunity to teach a very important subject:
Why Men Love Bitches
Men you may follow along - but obviously this course isnt for you - feel free to comment - I would like to know if you think I'm right or wrong

Now that I've signed you up for this course - Tell me are you a "Nice Girl"?

(Please Take Notes)
The Nice Girl = overcompensates, gives everything she has to a man she barely knows, doesnt allow the man to invest much of anything into the relationship. She will go along with what (she believes) her man likes - in order to be liked. And at all costs wants to hold on to the relationship.

There is only one answer YES or NO (No explainations - PLEASE)
1. Do you feel guilty when you say no, or do you say no and then second-guess yourself?
2. Do you often try to tell your partner that you want to be treated with respect?
3.Do you find yourself bartering or negotiating for want you want or need?
4. Do you often pass up sleep or the need for persoanl time to meet his needs?
5. Do you regularly see him on short notice when it is convenient for him?
6. Do you find that you repeat what you've asked for as though he didnt hear it the first time?
7. After a fight, are you always the first to contact him or apologize?
8. Do you find you are much more doting and affetionate than he is?
9. Do you often feel depleted after he has been with you?
10. Do you constantly want more attention or reassurance?

If you have answered YES to 5 or more of these questions -you are giving Far more than you are receiving.
Disclaimer #1(This Quiz comes directly from the Why Men Love Bitches - handbook, its a must have in your "self-help library)
Okay so this is what you can do - You can follow along & I promise I wont be able to do this every day - but since I've become somewhat nicer than what I use to be - I just wanted to be reminded why that is an absolute NO - to the NO
Disclaimer #2 - This does not all mean that I am a bitter female who can not get a man or want a man. I actually want to be in a loving, trusting and respectful (mariage) relationship - Just dont get it twisted.

2006-08-19T20:13:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday Nia!!!

Drive Safely

2006-08-17T11:55:00.000-05:00

"If we werent suppose to turn around - then why does a car have stirring wheel? " Lauryn Hill

Listening to Lauryn Hill today - the MTV Unplugged CD, so you know she was....... (WAIT!) let me think about what I want to say here.

Do I want to say she was acting crazy because that is what everyone deemed her to be (at the time).
(pondering) she wasnt the "Lauryn" we got used to and accepted - The funky style, secular mixed with spirtual lyrics, even reading the Bible at the Grammy's - we accepted all of that and crowned her with the (Pop) Hip-Hop title

What do I want to say? (in that blank space)
That she was speaking the truth? - cause she was
As I quoted one of the several inspirational, aspirational comments she spoke to the crowd, through the CD - I decide how I want to fill that blank
She was being real -
and although people often think they "recognize real" - most of us are are unfamilar with its features.
I often laugh whenever I hear myself repeat what my god-mother said to me once..."common sense isnt that common"
Same is true when it comes to recognizing the "realness" in people
So sorry folks - you wont get any negative comments on this blog-site about Lauryn Hill
Today - I'll use my powers for good not evil

Drive Safely
& remember when you feel like you're lost or getting further & further away from your destination - there is power in a U-turn

Addition

2006-08-17T11:54:00.000-05:00

I dont wanna be your other half
I believe
One + One = Two

2006-08-10T21:35:00.000-05:00

Your spinning me around
my feel are off the ground
I dont know where I stand
do you have to hold my hand

Dealing with the fact that Im "special"

2006-08-07T13:33:00.000-05:00

Most people in my life - take an interest in me, as if Im such an Extraordinary person (eventhough I am) - This only make me (at times) put pressure on myself to "perform" (although making people smile comes naturally).

But that aint me
I sometimes say
Who are you
to stand in my way
a piece of mind
I have to give
for me alone
I want to live

I like to be kissed
but not a first
I hold it all in
until I burst

I know what they mean
when they say
a curse and a gift
read in between the lines
until u catch my drift

I wish I could make it
more plain
but I wont
tell me - what to do
but dont
tell me - love is untrue

I'll keep trying
until I die of it
its alright
if I cry a bit

I keep looking at the road of ahead
they keep telling me
rockin roll is dead
they musta been talking about the beattles instead
cuz i keep hearin the sound
chanting my name
as I got knocked down
I get back up
cause I can not loose
I say it to u
but u must be confused

Still smiling and dancing
while I regain my composure
its gonna take the best of me
to prove to you - what I told ya

I didnt know I could take a hit like this
I was sure I didnt wanna deal with this

But there's no one else here but me

Its no one's responsibility
to fulfill my destiny

Once I realize what I gotta do
I cant fail
even if I wanted to
I must prevail
Even though I wasnt trying to

its what's inside of me
and I cant fight myself no more

See, that was not on purpose

Back then: When I first began this blog journey I often talked about how I hated the fact that people would put me in a box called Sean (business name), Shonda (what my family calls me), Laseandia (my biological reference, Im still figuring out), Hamani ( a split personality), or even "that girl."

Sometimes I make mistakes yall and it seems like I have more people watching my fall than the average (N) - Dont watch me - Watch TV
P.S. Some of yall need Jesus - and Im not kidding
You keep tryna do everything on your own and you aint really doing it
What's gonna happen when it all falls a part?

Dont send me your hospital bill for breaking your neck

2006-07-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

Follow my lead:
Ladies - when you see a guy in a "nice car" DONT:

Break your neck trying to see what he looks like
Start drawing attention to yourself
Walk with that EX-tra swagger
Start putting on lipstick/lipgloss at the traffic light
Turn-up you music (especially if the songs talks about sex, sexy females, or a guy seeing a female who he thinks is sexy)

Just STOP making a big deal about it (you look like a Mercedes groupie) We are blowing Negro's egos up and Im here to shut that thang down like..... RIGHT NOW - you've been served

Okay - I feel a lot better now

2006-07-21T09:07:00.000-05:00

Do I look 5 Years Old to you?
Then why are you talking to me - like I NEED for you to talk to me.

This is what I'm wondering when People who think they know it all - Go Wild!
All up in my business like I'm the child.
Excuse me but you cant even tie your own shoes. (Just trying to make a point)
Telling me about what you think I should do
Talk until your face is blue
I don't care I'm not really listening to you
Why don't you go write a book
or better yet
take a look
in the mirror - at Yo beam - in Yo eye
Mighty big
care to tell me why
Maybe you should try to quit
Keep your mouth close and stay out of other people's shit
Yeah I said a really bad word
But it wasn't as bad as your opinion

I guess I needed to vent that
My God-mother (Yeah, I called her out) she is that much of a control freak. And here I am trying to keep my attitude tempeture to 250 degrees - all the while boiling at aggravation.
Here is my real issue... I really don't want to say what's on my mind because that's a VERY dangerous thing. I mean I may not even be friends with some people if I told them what I really think about some of the things they do or say. I have learned to bite my tongue and the good thing about that is that while I'm biting I realize that I have somethings with me that someone can very have the "opinion" that I have any of the following issues:
A Bad Attitude
A Bad Opinion
A Bad Conclusion
An Accusation
A know it all
A tell it all
A Female Dog (The show is over folks - no more curse words here)
Rude
Inconsiderate (Ooo - I would love to hear that thought)
Or just plain out telling you how dumb something or somebody is...
that's all (smile)

Okay - I feel a lot better now

That Harley Smile...

2006-07-20T18:05:00.000-05:00

Blood, Sweat & a Damn Good Pen

2006-06-14T18:51:00.000-05:00

2006-06-10T11:16:00.000-05:00

OKay - Now this is it - Now Buss it

If you grew up in my era - then u should know that Salt-N-Peppa orginial lyric

But what Im talking about it is...

Things that happen only in the summer time

(no special order - just random observations)
-Guys carrying hand towels as accessories to their clothing (as if its that hot they need to constantly wipe off sweat)
- Females who let their toes go September - May are all of sudden taking care of themselves (Things that make me go hmmm...)
- It used to be an empty parking lot - but now its Roscoe's Car Wash and Detailing Shop
-Female dare devils - who wanna ride on a dude's motorcyle with out a helmet and mind you - you have on shorts or a short skirt (Dont worry he's just taking you around the corner its not like you could get into an accident going 2 blocks away)
- A sudden urge to go to the park - AND you just so happen you have on a nice outfit, your car is clean, your best CD and/or DVD is playing, you suddenly want to obey the speed limit and drive slow AND you are most likely to succeed if you have a dog (Missing items include: a picnic basket, a blanket, and/or a grill)
- Females showing more skin (But seriously DC is rather humid right ladies)
-Guys are not really feeling like a relationship - its seems like its too hot to have you around me all the time
-Front seat male passengers - saying the following: Hey..............; Hey Ma; Telling their boy to beep the horn and/or whistling is STILL whack (However, there are still females out here responding to that non-sense)
-All White Parties
-Anybody who's doin it - goes to Miami for Memorial Day & Labor Day

Im sure you can do better - What did I leave out? - You tell me what other common things people do in the summer

1, 2, 3

2006-06-08T09:11:00.001-05:00

#1
I think I really like
for my room to be dirty
I dont always like
for my room to be clean
clutter is n the eye of the beholder
but u dont know what that means
there was something in side me
that made me look straight
may be its the pride in me that
makes me contemplate

#2
Dont come around
if u dont wanna
be here
Stop talking in circles
why dont u be clear
Sigh if u want 2
Cry if u want 2
well then
shut the fuck up!
why dont u

#3
& i could pick back up
whenever I feel
I guess
N sum way Im waiting 4 u
2 be real
or 2 realize
the storyline
all things work together
n due time
but u were hasty
so full of doubt
pondering if
this was going 2 work out
now in silence
whats more to be said
three little monkeys jumping on the bed
one jumped off & the doctor said
ur the lucky one